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Marci Payne

4 Ways to Deal with a Critical Husband

by Marci Payne, MA, LPC on May 24, 2017
deal critical spouse

The Link Between Depression and a Critical Spouse

You feel like you can’t do anything right in your husband’s eyes. And you are tired of feeling like you aren’t good enough. You worry that if you don’t get help, you will start to disappear or become depressed.

You have created this great family, but you just aren’t your usual happy self anymore. You are starting to absorb your spouse’s negativity. In doing so, you also start to believe that his negative opinions define your worth. But if you are reading this, you are searching for ways to not letting someone else’s negativity make you feel so unhappy.

Emotional Fusion in Marriage as Problem

The reason we feel like our moods and identities are at the mercy of others is that we feel dependent on others to make us happy. This works both ways. For the spouse who is frustrated or negative, he or she may feel like the other is to blame for their unhappiness. And the spouse that is being blamed, feels like the other one is making them miserable too.

Both spouses are half right. What goes on within one person, impacts what goes on between people and vice versa. But luckily, we can also find ways to be more emotionally separate and connected. That is, to let our spouse own their own feelings and reactions, even if they think we are to blame. And even more amazing is caring about your spouse’s feelings without assuming their criticism means anything negative about you.

Understanding Criticism and Spouse’s Reciprocal Response

First, let’s define what it means to be critical. I think of it as judging, blaming, and negatively focusing on another person. Sometimes people really think their way is better. While other times, people think they are helping by being critical. And sometimes people are merely projecting how they feel onto someone else. Regardless of the reason, anyone, male or female, can be critical of others.

So how do you respond to your spouse when he or she is critical of you? Many people have a stress response to hearing criticism from others. Meaning you may fight back, defend yourself, or even freeze up. And before you know it, you are feeling just as negative or in a big fight with your spouse.

4 Ways to Deal with a Critical Spouse (to Prevent Feeling Down)

So if you are tired of joining the tension and absorbing your spouse’s negativity, what do you do?

  1. See the Criticism as a Reflection of Your Spouse: Resist the temptation to assume your spouse’s negativity has anything to do with your worth or value as a person. Instead, find a way to think about your spouse’s criticism as a reflection of their mood or stress level. When you see your spouse’s negativity as a reflection of them, then you will be able to think your way through your options without absorbing the negativity too.
  2. Respond without Counter-Attack-Defend: Another temptation is to defend yourself or make a counter-attack. If you do this, you have joined the other person’s internal conflict. When you defend yourself, you unconsciously internalize that there is something to prove to your spouse.
  3. Tell Your Spouse About You: Instead of joining the negativity and blaming your spouse too, tell him or her what it’s like to talk when they’re negative. For example, you have a hard time listening to them when they get intense like this. At this point, some people will calm down, but others need more time.
  4. Set and Hold onto Boundary: Don’t try to talk them out of being intense, but let them know you see that they are worked up. You just aren’t going to keep talking with them until they calm down. Let them know you will check in with them later to see if they are in a better place to talk.

The more you are able to think differently under pressure, the more you will be able to see your spouse’s criticism as something about them. Ultimately, we want to be in relationships where we are free to be ourselves. And that means letting others be free to be themselves too and even owning their own reactions. When you can find a way to do this without being critical in response, then it’s less of a marital problem and more of a problem for the person that is feeling negative.

You can care about your spouse without having to take the blame for their unhappiness. In doing so, you will become less dependent on your spouse’s approval, and start to reclaim your separate but connected identity.

Reflection: What helps you deal with criticism from others in such a way that it doesn’t lower your self-worth?

Marci Payne, MA, LPC offers individual counseling for stressed and anxious men and women who are in tough relationships. Counseling is available at her Lee’s Summit MO office and online for Missouri residents (including Kansas City, St. Louis, Springfield, Columbia and elsewhere in the state). I help Missouri women with critical partners reduce their stress and find happiness again. And I help Missouri men connect without pushing their partner further away. Schedule your free 15-minute phone consult with Marci to decide if working with a counselor is the next best step to take.   

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Comments

  1. This is very hard for me. When my husband is critical, I tend to jump to defending myself. Even, when I don’t jump to defending myself, and tell him that it is hard to talk to him when he is negative, or even understand that his negativity is a reflection of him, he is incredibly relentless, and eventually is able to draw me in to his conflict. A couple of weeks ago, my husband was critical with me over intimacy, and he talked for hours about his hopelessness for our relationship because of issues with intimacy.. I was able to genuinely reassure him that the cycle of marriage has down turns in all arenas, including intimacy…He was still incredibly negative in the morning, and continued being negative and critical through the afternoon, and I snapped when we were in the car. I couldn’t take the negativity anymore…and I was taking on his hopelessness and feeling like giving up. He is just so relentless in his criticism and negativity….I am so bad at handling it. I tell him that I will talk to him when he is calm (or after we’ve slept, eaten or showered), and he says I am avoiding the issue (withdrawing), or he won’t stop until he feels the issue is “resolved.” I have tried telling him that we may need to speak to a counselor to help us and he is relentless until I am screaming at him to stop. I definitely suffer from depression, and I am pregnant, and very overwhelmed. We have good moments, but the difficult moments feel impossible, and every time (weekly) we end up in a negative spiral, I want to disappear. What do I do when I can’t handle my husband’s relentless criticism and negativity?

    • Elise, thank you for sharing your experience with me. First off, there’s no right or wrong way to handle it. It’s more about finding a way that works for you. And yes it may not work for your husband, and he may try harder at first to get you to engage with him.

      Relationship patterns are complex but somewhat predictable. Since I can’t give professional advice here on my blog, I hope you will consider consulting with someone in your area. You don’t have to wait until your spouse wants to attend counseling with you. Look for a counselor that specializes in marriage and family issues, and you can consult with that person on your own and/or together. Let me know if you need ideas on how to look for a counselor. That way you can explore your options and have ongoing support.

  2. Elise,
    Ironically, your husband sounds like me, & from what I’m thinking, maybe what you’re feeling is what my husband feels, though of course that’s just a sense from reading your post. I just wanted to write to you because you’re going through a hard time right now too (I’m going through a very rough time, which is why I was online searching for handling a critical spouse), & you’re pregnant! A time when you should be able to relax, everyone can tell you not to stress (as they did when I was pregnant with both my little ones!!! Easier to say than to do though, & I’m sensitive even when I am not cycling/pregnant, so the whole thing is tough, & can feel isolating). I just wanted to write so that you knew someone out was relating to you, hoping if you know that you’re being heard, maybe you won’t feel too alone (of course, that may say more about how I’ve been feeling, & felt when I was pregnant! You may not feel isolated at all!!!!!!!) Just, when I was pregnant, I felt more sensitive about talking to anyone about things for a variety of reasons, you don’t want anyone to “blame” your situation, or reaction on being overly sensitive because you’re pregnant was a big one for me, & boy, they get a bit hysterical if you tell them you’re having a hard time with your spouse when you’re pregnant (at least my OB did, & started harping on how I was going to end up with post-partum depression, & end up in the psych ward after having the baby- this was a HUGE leap, so please know that I’m saying this because of the fact that it was way out of bounds, jumping to conclusions, catastrophizing, & putting a huge anxiety knot in my neck!!! I left that OB, needless to say, & never looked back, & later heard from a different OB that he heard that she had a reputation for being extreme, & gruff, & more people left her because of that particular reason, so I just am writing that in to ensure you know that her remarks were extreme, & in no way reflect anything about you, or your situation, & just for my own sake, it was a way out of line, I’m guessing trying to make me fearful ahead of time in a way to coerce me to do something that she thought was right, but was to an EXTREME, way overreacting.) Sorry that I wrote that much about that, i guess I just want to reassure you that it was over the top, caused undue anxiety, & wanted to make sure it didn’t cause any anxiety for you (I’m trying to be gentle, maybe because that was what I truly wanted, or maybe should say still want! So like everyone’s advice, take what you want, what feels right, & leave the rest! It’s with best intentions, but may not be right for you!!!!!) Okay, so anyway, I just wanted to, with all of those, maybe way too many reassurances, let you know that someone could relate, & that in an unusual way because I’m thinking that I may have some insight into how your husband is reacting, or trying to engage, as Marci nicely put it, & that you may relate to how my husband reacts to me when I try to engage him in a conversation!!! He often tells me that he becomes defensive with me when I try to talk to him about things because he thinks I am talking to him in a critical way about things, & tells me that when I bring things up to discuss, he’s already on the defensive. So he starts to sort of fight back, I often feel like he’s more on the “offensive” (in a sport term, not meaning rude) than defensive, & so then we have a misunderstanding, & then he tends to withdraw from me entirely. While this may not sound at all like you guys to you, & maybe it is in fact nothing like how you feel, I just thought I would try to relate my story to see if it resonated with you, because if you & I can relate to each other, maybe WE can help each other out in communicating differently with our spouses!!!!! I would love that! I’ve been reading, & he has as well, a book called “Five love languages,” I think it’s called, & it talks basically about how you express, & how someone else makes you feel loved, such as being physical, doing helpful acts of service (that sounds weird how I put it, I mean such as doing nice things such as picking up something at the store for you, which is definitely my husband’s language, we’ve both agreed.) Mine is much more of a, I’m hear to listen, communicate, be emotionally connected. Anyway, that’s not a review of the book at all, I just wanted to explain as unclearly as possible 😉 (I’m trying to be clear, but feels like I’m over explaining a bit in the process!!!!!!) I just thought sharing that bit of info may give insight into whether or not it sounds relatable to you or not, & if it does, maybe we can try to reach out to each other to relate & help, since being separated from the emotional side of it, & talking with someone outside of your relationship, may help detaching from the feelings, & maybe help with miscommunicating?? Just a thought, & if I can help you at all if you’re going through a tough time while being pregnant, boy would I have loved someone to relate to me!!! Anyway, I’m happy to reach out, or even if you just want to chat about the trials & tribulations of the fun of pregnancy, or kids (if this is your first?), I’m open to chatting. I actually found the most support in talking to other moms just about being a mom after being pregnant, & nothing helped me more than being able to listen, chat, & laugh with other moms. So I’m open to lend an ear, relate, or lend a cyber shoulder, lean on me 🙂 Happy pregnancy, no matter what, & whenever you can, enjoy that as much as you can, if possible, especially if this is your first, & you have the time to sit, & breathe, & listen to the baby’s heartbeat, or feel the kicking, stretching out, or dancing around in there! (Those times were my personal favorites!!!!) Good luck, my best, & write if you want!!!!!!!

    • So true that criticism isn’t gender related. I think anyone can be critical of their spouse, male or female. Sometimes we say the criticism in our head and other times we say it out loud. Criticism can be very subtle too. It would be interesting to observe what fuels one’s mind to go negative about their spouse. What can one learn about themselves?

  3. My husband criticizes my buying/spending habits. Take Grocery shopping purchases: (you haven’t lived til you’ve been scolded for 30 minutes about the cost of a loaf of bread!) Even as I write this, I’m shaking my head. Although I do not return insult for insult, I have found I sometimes have to remove myself from the situation entirely. It is obvious he is more in love with his bank account than our relationship. He will actually call me periodically throughout the day because he’s seen a charge on our card. Funny, but I died laughing earlier today, over his diatribe about the $30 charge to the credit card, reflecting a purchase HE had made, but forgotten! And don’t you DARE question him about the average $500 purchases he makes monthly for bicycles, camping gear, or snow skiing equipment! It’s such a waste of time and effort, that it’s worn me out.

    Funny, but he doesn’t complain when we are in public. It’s as if he’s two different people. These insults ARE squarely his problems, not mine. And if this doesn’t change soon, I will no longer be married to him. The truth is, I’m just his scapegoat.

    I guess I’m wondering how I can persuade him to see just how foolish and trivial he is… I do not wish to embarass him, It’s just a wish to end this merry-go-round existence I have. Where do I get off the Merry-go-round, and end this nightmare? Must I divorce him, in order to keep my sanity?

    • People often get critical as a way to manage their own fear and worries. Are you able to hold onto this thinking that his criticism is about him (not you)? That may help you find another way to hear his worry but let him know what it’s like for you when he gets worked up/intense…that is it makes you want to leave, shut down, avoid him. It doesn’t make you want to talk about the budget.

      If you are able to manage your own internal reactions to his intensity, you may be able to get off the merry go round. There are a lot of ways to manage oneself when their spouse is critical, so I’d encourage you to explore your options and choices with a counselor/therapist who specializes in marriage/family issues.

  4. My husband is very often critical of me, particularly of my parenting. I feel he doesn’t respect me. He’ll do things like criticise me or tell me to shut up in front of our young child, and I worry that this may damage my child’s relationship with me if he’s always seeing me being blamed and criticised.

    • Kids do often get caught in marital conflict and can feel drawn to take sides with either parent. I encourage you to consult someone in your area who specializes in marriage and family issues. The more confident you feel on how to respond to your husband when he gets critical/intense, the better for you and your child. Let me know if you need ideas on how to find a counselor in your area.

  5. Ok my husband criticizes everything I do or don’t do!!! If there is a spoon in the sink he will wake me up at 1 am knowing I have to be up at 6 to find out why there is a spoon in the sink! The house could be spotless and he will find a way to criticize me about it. It’s gotten to the point he now screams at me and my daughter calling us names and breaking out things!!! We haven’t been married 6 months and I feel like I want out! I have found the one thing that works is not talking to him and shutting down it’s the only way he will back off!!! If I dare challenge him pictures will come off the walls or he will throw things. I have never seen this side of him ! Once we got married it changed

    • Sheila, I’m sorry to hear the beginning of your marriage is off to such a rocky start. One thing I’ve learned from doing this post is that people have different tolerance levels for how much criticism and aggression they can tolerate and stay married.

      In some marriages, conflict and criticism are co-created where both spouses think they know better than the other spouse. And in other marriages, one spouse gets into a one-up position through bullying and blaming, while the other spouse gets more and more accommodating to keep the peace. And the longer a couple is together, the more established these patterns of relating and reacting become.

      For now, it sounds like you’ve found a way to manage yourself when he gets uptight and tense…that is deciding not to engage with him when he talks to you like this.

  6. Hi Marci. I have been with my fella 4 yrs now. We do not live together and currently in different states. He wants me to move to be with him however i need to be at my job 2 more yrs to be vested. Recently within past 6 months, Im getting more critical “things to work on or be aware of” comments from him. Such as our communication. From his view l talk way too much, interrupt, ask to many questions without giving him oppty to respond and when i ask him a question and he answers that i keep going. I also tend to give speeches when talking to him (l guess l dont understand that one because l thought l was just…talking to him & maybe l dont know the difference). There are times in our discussions where i may say “maybe …………..” and he says “hon, l’m an educated man…l know” or “sweetheart, l went to grad school…l know how to add”. Or when we are on the phone and l go to talk (in conversation) at the same time he begins to talk and he cuts in saying “honey, honey, honey, honey, honey….. Let me talk” l aplogize and say please go ahead. He was too busy saying “honey” to me he didn’t notice that i stopped talking after the first “honey”. Also i will be talking about something and he will reply “honey, youve been talking for 10 mins and your losing my attention” yet i only had been talking a little over a minute (my phone has clock). These are big ones and there are other little things too. I am trying to be aware of these critism and catch myself but i realize that even though i may do some of these things (not as bad as he states i do) he does the exact things to me. Only difference is l dont call him out (making him aware) because i love him! I have accepted him and all this uniqueness a very long time ago as who he is as a person and that this is who i fell in love with (good/bad/differences/similarities). I thought he did too about me….until the constuctive criticism started. I am always for bettering myself so i am reading about effective communication, etc. Im concerned that his behavior to correct me will only continue or get more and more to the point i say nothing but simple yes/no one word reply or lose myself. He fell in love with me….i havent changed….why now am l so frustrating to him? Your thought?

    • Leann, I think the longer we are in relationships the more patterns develop. When people get tense or stressed, they start to think and act differently and these play out in their interactions with others. For instance, one pattern that arises in a relationship is one partner becoming dominant while the other accommodates to keep the peace. And another common pattern is when both people try to shape up their partner in an attempt to make themselves happy. Often a person projects their own insecurities or frustrations onto the other person (often outside of one’s awareness) in order to try to calm oneself down. All that to say, it may not mean he loves you any less. And ultimately, do you think you play a part in any distance or conflict that you are encountering in the relationship or when is it more of a reflection of his own tension/stress level?

  7. My Husband has been saying few things in my life since i met him, keep a shoulder level haircut, be slim and loose weight, well..i am not all that fat, i look healthy and and chubby, but i am not obese and i do not have hanging fat. There was a time in my life when i was very slim like 110 pounds, but it all started when i started taking medications for an issue which i face in 2007. when i got married in 2006 i was 110 pounds. later in early 2007, i faced a medical problem because of which i had to take 5 tablets per day and i became 140 pounds in 6 months, my hieght is 5″1′.
    I was this weight until 2008 and later i joined dance and lost some 20 pounds but still i had tummy which was seen. and i got pregnant in 2011 with my first baby. obviously like many girls in this world, i did not have any support so i raised my child by myself.Well thats not an excuse but it was very over whelming for me and i could not work on my figure. And when i daughter was 4, i was pregnant with my second child. and now my LO is 8 mths. My husband has become so much conscious about my weight that even if i hug him with love, first thing he says is tummy is the major problem in your body, if your tummy reduces everything will be alright. Its so funny and depressing to think that after so many years of relationship, all he sees in me is my body which is not in shape. Few months back, he desperately wanted me to cut my hair and when i finally did it, he did not like it. I was such a confident and positive minded girl few years back. Now even if i want to dress up, my husbands words ring in my mind all day, like…you hairstyle is not good, you have so much fat in the body, you are obese, your tummy still looks like you have another baby, and for all this he says i am telling for your good, your health. my concern is that if he wants me to loose weight he should help me motivate right? he wants me to go to gym only in the time which is convenient to him But he will exercise and walk every day in the night before sleep, that is the time when i am damn tired after all day work and when i sit to talk to him, the first word he says is you are not reducing at all to me. I am so so deeply hurt about my appearance that i am not able to control myself anymore without sharing it.

    • Rebecca, it sounds like you are internalizing his negative comments to mean something is wrong with you. It means more about him than you.

      I don’t think you need more coaching or motivating from your spouse. Instead, how can you get yourself on a path to loving yourself just the way you are?

  8. These are good suggestions and some I have been using with small success or improvement. The problem is that this effort uses all of my energy to the point that I feel that I am just a shadow of what I was before I married. I don’t know if this is due to the challenging nature of my husband or other life events that have diminished my spirit. I am barely able to handle my basic tasks of housekeeping and child care and have developed a strong desire to die which is sinful so I compromise by asking God to let me die if that is better for me or live if that is better. There is some benefit to this state of mind because it is easier to get through the day’s critical interaction when I don’t care.

    • Siobhan, Thank you for sharing and I hope you will consider talking to a counselor. If you aren’t in an area where there are counseling services, you may still be able to access counseling through online services such as talkspace or better help. I can tell your emotional well being is being impacted, but want to encourage you to find ways to improve your quality of life. I get that it’s hard to not internalize others criticism, but know there are always choices even when you can’t see them. Wish you the best on your journey to wholeness and relief.