How to Decide Whether to Stay or End a Relationship
Deciding whether to stay or leave a long-term relationship or committed partnership is one of the hardest decisions to make. Partly because acting on your decision often involves a lot of change, emotions to navigate, and more decisions to make. So understandably, you want to be as confident as possible about your decision.
If you are struggling with this decision, know that your sureness and relationship satisfaction can wax and wane over time. So it can help to have some questions to reflect on to bring clarity to your situation and decision.
Identify Your Current Decision
Overall, most people stay in a relationship if the positives outweigh the negatives. Or, if they feel like they will be healthier and happier without their partner, they end their relationship. But it can take time to get to this clarity, so bring to mind where you stand in your current relationship.
As you read through the following decisions, notice what you feel, think, or sense in your body. Then, note which pathway you would choose today (or which one you are leaning most toward):
Stay in the Relationship (even if it doesn’t improve)
Wait to Decide (Work on your part in the relationship problems and re-evaluate after some time to see if the relationship has changed enough to bring clarity.)
End the Relationship (begin preparing to exit)
How’s this landing for you? Reflection on your decision can bring up feelings, like grief, fear, and relief, so be gentle with yourself.
5 Journal Prompts to Bring Clarity To Your Relationship
Now let’s take a deeper look at the relationship you desire and the reality of your current relationship. You don’t have to answer all of these prompts at one time. In fact, writing them down somewhere private and returning to them as new clarity comes in can be helpful.
What are you looking for in a committed partnership? (Is that the relationship you currently have?)
What do you think it will take to get you closer to the dream relationship you desire?
What are you willing to work on or do differently? (either within yourself or in your interactions)
What is your partner willing to work on or do differently?
Does your answer to question 3 or 4 get you closer or farther to the relationship you desire?
While these questions are percolating in the background, I have a few insights to share about the reflection and discernment process.
Get Clear on Your Part in the Problem
It can be challenging to see your part in the relationship problems. In my experience, your part in the problem is often not what you or our partner think you need to work on. Or, you may feel like you’ve tried everything and feel drained by your relationship. So the idea of working on yourself more brings up more resentment.
If this sounds like you, I invite you to consider that your part can shift the patterns you’re fed up with, even if your partner doesn’t change. Shifting your goal from trying to fix your partner or your relationship to being responsible for just your part can be liberating. (Read about behaviors that contribute to emotional distance in a relationship here.)
Here are a few examples of how focusing on your part can shift patterns and/or bring you clarity. Do you avoid conflict, so you need to start asking for what you need? Or, do you need to acknowledge when you misread your partner’s behavior? Or, maybe you want to stop taking all the blame to keep the peace. No matter what your part is, it’s unique to you and your relationship.
Get Curious About What Your Partner Wants to Grow
While relationship patterns and your well-being can shift with just one person working on their part, your connection will improve the most if both of you work on your part. So try being curious and opening up a conversation with your partner on their thoughts about the relationship. What do they want to be different (if anything)? And what do they feel like their part is in getting closer to what they desire too? (Notice I didn’t say what your partner thinks you need to do or not do.)
In addition to being curious with your partner, you can also recall past conflicts and conversations you’ve had with your partner. Recall how well you or your partner repair after a conflict, and who is most likely to take responsibility for their part (both or one of you).
Next, if your partner thinks they have a part in the problem you are dealing with, do they seem committed to their growth? You aren’t looking for perfection in your partner's growth, but genuine acknowledgment, commitment, and action. As he or she begins working on their part, you will naturally begin discerning if this is getting you closer or farther from the relationship you desire.
Being in a Relationship With Someone Who Denies They Play a Part
On the other hand, if your partner says they don’t have anything to work on and/or can’t change, this reveals what has a low probability of changing between the two of you. This may look like your partner keeping the focus on blaming you, or even needing more from you than you can give in a day.
If your partner denies any part in the problem, you can inform him or her that “it’s not all you” and that you’d like him or her “to focus on what they are willing to do differently.” But if you keep consistently getting a denial or blame response, then that becomes part of discerning what is and is not possible for change in this relationship.
The reality can be hard to see, acknowledge, and come to terms with. But it’s better to know what’s possible than to keep hoping something will change that no one is owning.
Discernment Takes Time
As long as everyone involved is physically safe, this process of discernment takes as long as it takes. It’s one thing to come to terms with what is and is not possible, and it’s another thing to start acting on it.
Know you can also get support in discerning what’s possible for the future of your relationship. Find someone who specializes in conceptualizing relationship patterns without taking sides, so that person can help you better understand your situation. And from this place of seeing the reality and the possibility, you will find more clarity on your decision.
Marci Payne, MA, LPC
Licensed Professional Counselor, Missouri
Learn more about working with Marci in individual therapy here. She specializes in helping women navigate, discernment, and recover from challenging relationships.
Note: If you don’t feel safe in your relationship, please seek more immediate help to create a plan for safety. No one deserves to be abused. You can contact your local domestic violence shelter or contact the National Domestic Violence hotline. If you are unsure whether what you are experiencing is abuse or not, this is a great resource to help identify abuse.