How to Have Emotional Boundaries as an Empath
Do you feel like you absorb others’ emotions and problems like a sponge? And when you are done processing or solving their problems, then you feel all wrung out and empty. Then, you may fall somewhere on the spectrum of empath abilities.
While you may feel like your emotional sensitivities are a curse, they can become a strength. Once you fine-tune how to be with others’ emotions without taking them all on, you can use what you sense in others to connect and support them. And you can also learn to use your heightened sensitivity to protect your energy and well-being once you develop emotional boundaries.
So if you’ve always wondered if you are an empath, or you want to learn how to have emotional boundaries, then you’re in the right place. For most of my life, I’ve had these abilities to know and sense things in others but I didn’t know what to do with them, so I tried to ignore them. Now, I’m able to sense what’s mine, and what isn’t mine, and have a choice on what I do (and don’t do) when I sense emotions in others.
What is an Empath?
Having empathy for another person is different than being an empath. When you feel empathy for someone you sense and understand how they feel, but you don’t feel it in your own body. Being an empath means you can feel the other person’s pain and/or emotions in your body.
If you are unsure where you fall on the “empathic spectrum,” then you may want to take this empath self-assessment quiz by Dr. Judith Orloff, psychiatrist and author of The Empath’s Survival Guide.
Whether you are an empath, a highly sensitive person (HSP), or feel empathy, learning when and how to have emotional boundaries can help. This doesn’t mean you will become cold and distant, instead, it will help you be really clear on what you are available for and what you aren’t.
What are Emotional Boundaries?
In relationships, boundaries draw an imaginary line between people, so you know where one person ends and the other begins. Emotional boundaries help you know what feelings, needs, and responsibilities belong to you and what don’t. (Read examples of healthy boundaries vs. boundary issues here.)
When you have firm emotional boundaries, you are able to have a choice on what you feel responsible for helping others with. If you always feel responsible for others’ emotions and reactions, then having clearer boundaries would also help you be near someone who is feeling something and not need to solve or fix it for them. Instead, you can stay in compassion for them and their struggle.
How to Set Emotional Boundaries
Because you are so compassionate, boundaries may be really hard for you. I promise that you can still be kind and have boundaries. Here’s how:
Get to Know Your Body’s Sensations - Practice regular body scans, mindfulness, and other energy practice to learn more about your physical and/or energy body. When you know how it feels in your body when you absorb something that isn’t yours, the more choices you will have on how to respond.
Discern What Belongs to You & What Does Not - Simply ask yourself which of the sensations & emotions you are experiencing and which belong to someone else. Discernment will get easier over time, once you know how this feels inside.
Allow Your Body to Inform Where You Need a Boundary - Let your body inform you, meaning if doing what you always do makes you feel heavy, tense, or empty, it’s time to do something different.
State Your Boundary By Telling Other Person About You - If there’s a pattern in your relationship that has been happening and it is no longer working for you. Identify what you are no longer ok doing, giving, or helping with, even if it’s subtle. (For example - I’m no longer available for listening to complaints about other family members.)
Hold Onto Your Boundary Even Under Pressure to Give In - Not everyone will like your new boundaries, so be prepared to hold on even if the other person tries to make you feel bad. And, if they don’t respect your first boundary, be prepared to give a second boundary. (For example - I get to decide what complaining looks like. And we can either talk about something else, or I’m done with this conversation today.)
When Emotional Boundaries Aren’t Respected
When you start setting boundaries with others, you will quickly learn who respects that you have needs and who doesn’t. Not everyone will like your boundaries because that means they may have to change too.
Having healthy and clear boundaries with others can help make good relationships stronger. And they can also help you see what relationships are based solely on what you can do for them. But wouldn’t you rather know this than be a dried-out sponge?!
You too can learn to set boundaries in a confident and loving way, so you can lean into relationships that are mutually supportive. And decide how much you want to give to the ones that are more one-sided.
What are your takeaways from this article? Let’s chat in the comments below.
Marci Payne, MA, LPC
Holistic Therapist & Self-Love Coach
Learn what you need more of, less of, & get practice with creating boundaries with my Healthy Boundaries Starter Kit