A Beginner’s Guide to Setting Boundaries in Relationships
Have you ever tried to convince someone else to stop or start doing more of something? But instead of feeling empowered, you feel more frustrated and drained trying to get someone to change.
In fact, any time you feel responsible for something you have no control over it can be really frustrating. So what do you do when something isn’t working for you in a relationship or an interaction with another person?
You can either ask for support or set a boundary. And you can learn to do both in a loving yet effective manner. But most of the time, people get really confused about the difference between boundaries, making requests, and putting demands on others. So lean in with me while we explore what boundaries are, common mistakes people make, and how to set boundaries without giving in.
What Are Boundaries?
To start, let's define boundaries. Boundaries are lines or dividers between something or someone.
In relationships, boundaries draw an imaginary line between people, so you know where one person ends and the other begins. Boundaries help you know what feelings, needs, and responsibilities belong to you and what don’t.
When boundaries are clearly defined and set in a healthy manner, then they can make good relationships even better. And for the relationships that are struggling, they will help you see more clearly who is willing to respect that you have needs too.
Boundaries are not to be used to control people or make demands on people. Instead, boundaries define what you are willing and not willing to do. In this way, boundaries in relationships are lines you draw and stand on.
Examples of Healthy Boundaries
To illustrate, let’s say you are having a conflict with your partner and you want them to change how they are talking to you. You can either make a demand, a request or set a boundary. Imagine and notice how you would feel saying and/or hearing each of these examples.
An example of a demand: “Don’t talk to me that way.”
An example of a request: “I need you to lower your voice if I’m going to be able to stay in this conversation. Is that something you can do?”
An example of a healthy boundary statement is: “I am going to leave the room to give both of us a chance to calm down. I’ll check in with you later to see if we can finish this conversation without yelling.”
Making demands will always leave you feeling more frustrated because you can’t control what the other person does or doesn’t do. Making requests is great when the other person is open to listening to what you need too. But there will always be situations where boundaries are needed because you need something you can hold onto under pressure, stress, or obligation.
How to Know if You Have Boundary Issues
If you want to get better at setting healthy boundaries in your relationship and/or challenging situations, then start with identifying what you can improve on. Check out my short video on the “5 Most Common Boundary Setting Mistakes”, and make note of where you want to improve.
5 Steps to Having Healthy Boundaries in Relationships
Now you’re ready to start taking the steps toward more clearly defining what your boundaries are in your relationship.
Recognize your emotions, thoughts, and reaction: Recognize what is present for you. Notice the internal reactions ( sensations, thoughts, and emotions) you are having after or during an interaction with another person.
Calm nervous system: Pause and take slow, deep breaths to help calm down your nervous system. This will help you access the wisdom you need for the next steps.
Identify what you are willing or not willing to do: If there is something that is no longer working for you in this interaction or relationship, then identify what boundaries you need. Consider what you are willing and/or not willing to do in this situation.
State the boundary as clearly as possible: Tell the other person what you are going to do or not do and/or what you are willing to do or not do. (It is tempting to tell the other person what to do or not do, but focus on telling them about you.)
Hold onto your boundary even when the other person doesn't like it: It's common for the other person to dislike the boundary you are setting. Anticipate that they will try to argue or complain about your boundary. Ground down into your knowing what is best for you, and hold onto the boundary you have chosen.
Holding Onto Boundaries Under Pressure to Give In
It all starts with a brave moment to state and hold onto your boundary. You decide whether or not to stick with your boundary, even under pressure to change back. In doing so, you boost your trust and respect for yourself. And you also call in loving and respectful relationships.
You also learn what relationships can be improved and which ones can’t. If a person repeatedly disrespects your boundary or becomes physically threatening, then consider whether it is time to end or create more space in this relationship.
Here’s to growing your confidence and clarity in learning how to state and hold onto what you need to. And if you need support in this area, reach out.
What boundary issues do you struggle with the most? where do you want to grow in this relationship skill?
Marci Payne, MA, LPC
Licensed Professional Counselor in Missouri
Get practice creating and setting boundaries in relationships with the Healthy Boundaries Starter Kit
Disclaimer: No one deserves abuse. If you are in physical danger, please seek more immediate help before setting boundaries in unsafe relationships. (Learn how to create a safety plan here.)