A Beginner’s Guide to Setting Boundaries in Relationships
What do you do when something no longer works for you in a relationship? Do you ask for what you need? Or do you ignore what you need to keep the peace?
From Conflict Avoidance to Self-Empowerment
Growing up, I was taught to avoid conflict at all costs. To be nice and not hurt others’ feelings. I had no idea how avoiding conflict would impact me for years to come. But I realize now that it contributed to me downplaying my needs and feeling responsible for making others happy.
I remember the first time someone asked me what I needed, and it was like I had never considered that I had needs too. I was holding so much in my body that didn’t belong to me that I was in pain most days. Gradually, I started sorting out what was and wasn’t mine to hold, and learning to set boundaries with others became a big part of that inner work.
Now, my kids are learning about boundaries and sharing what they’ve learned with their friends. Not only do I feel more empowered to stand firm in knowing what I need and don’t need, but I am also sharing this with others.
If I can reverse chronic pain related to lack of boundaries, I can help you learn what you need too. I’m here to help clear up the confusion that exists between defining boundaries, requesting behavior change, and making demands. Once you learn what your boundaries are and how to hold onto them under pressure to give in, my hope is you will feel empowered too!
What Are Boundaries?
To start, let's define boundaries. Boundaries are lines or dividers between something or someone.
In relationships, boundaries draw an imaginary line between people, so you know where one person ends and the other begins. Boundaries help you know what feelings, needs, and responsibilities belong to you and what don’t.
When boundaries are clearly defined and set healthily, then they can make good relationships even better. And for the relationships that are struggling, they will help you see more clearly who is willing to respect that you have needs too.
Boundaries are not used to control people or make demands on people. Instead, boundaries define what you are willing and not willing to do. In this way, boundaries in relationships are lines you draw and stand on.
Examples of Healthy Boundaries
To illustrate, let’s say you are having a conflict with your partner and you want them to change how they are talking to you. You can either make a demand, request a change, or set a boundary. Imagine and notice how you would feel saying and/or hearing each of these examples.
An example of a demand: “Don’t talk to me that way.”
An example of a request: “I need you to lower your voice if I’m going to be able to stay in this conversation. Is that something you can do?”
An example of a healthy boundary statement is: “I am going to leave the room to give both of us a chance to calm down. I’ll check in with you later to see if we can finish this conversation without yelling.”
Making demands will always leave you feeling more frustrated because you can’t control what the other person does or doesn’t do. Making requests is great when the other person is open to listening to what you need too. But there will always be situations where boundaries are needed because you need something you can hold onto under pressure, stress, or obligation.
How to set and maintain healthy boundaries
Are you ready to get better at setting boundaries in your relationship? First, check out my short video on the “5 Most Common Boundary Setting Mistakes”, and identify if you are making one of these mistakes.
Once you know what you need to grow when it comes to setting healthy boundaries, here are some steps for getting started:
Notice how you feel when you are with someone: The more aware you are about how you feel before, during, or after an interaction with someone, the more aware you can be about what you are and are not ok with.
Identify if you need to make a request or state a boundary: Is the behavior something you can ask the other person to change or modify? Or does the situation call for you to define what you are available or not available for?
State the boundary as clearly as possible: Communicate your boundary as clearly and kindly as possible. No need to over-explain why you need the boundary. And remember it needs to be something you can enforce, or it’s a demand.
Hold onto your boundary even when the other person doesn't like it: It's common for the other person to dislike the boundary you are setting. Anticipate that they will try to argue or complain about your boundary. Remember that you know what is best for you, and hold onto the boundary you have chosen.
Holding Onto Boundaries Under Pressure to Give In
When you decide to hold onto your boundary, even under pressure to change back, you grow in trusting and respecting yourself. You also call in loving and respectful relationships. And learn which people in your life respect that you have needs and boundaries, and which ones do not. A few tips to keep in mind:
Know others' reactions are about them - Most people react strongly to your boundaries because they don’t want to change. If you change, they may have to change too. When they have resistance to change, they may put pressure on you to change back. Knowing this is a possibility can help you take their reaction less personally.
Cherish your own well-being - To hold on under pressure to change back, you must lean into the why behind your boundary. I imagine you aren’t setting a boundary to be mean but to cherish and respect your own well-being too. Boundaries don’t mean you don’t care about others. They mean you care about yourself too.
Realize you always have a choice - We can get so focused on what others are doing or not doing that we forget we have a choice in how we respond. And we have a choice on when we are available and when we are not.
Becoming Confident in Boundary-Setting
Your courage and confidence in your ability to speak up for yourself and have challenging conversations will grow:
Every time you speak up and ask for what you need, even if you learn that person isn’t available.
Every time you state a boundary with someone let them know you aren’t available for that anymore.
Every time you hold onto a boundary instead of giving in under pressure and guilt from others to change back.
Here’s to growing your confidence and clarity in learning how to state and hold onto what you need. If you need support in this area, check out my mini-course on Healthy Boundaries here for journal prompts and practice statements.
what is your growth edge when it comes to setting or maintaining boundaries?
Marci Payne, MA, LPC
Licensed Professional Counselor in Missouri
Learn what boundaries you need and get practice setting boundaries in your relationships with the Healthy Boundaries Starter Kit here.
Disclaimer: No one deserves abuse. If you are in physical danger, please seek more immediate help before setting boundaries in unsafe relationships. (Learn how to create a safety plan here.)