5 Communication Skills Everyone Needs
When our communication in a relationship is going well, we feel heard, understood, and connected. When our communication breaks down with others, we can quickly feel misunderstood, frustrated, or hurt. So how do we improve our communication skills in our relationships?
First off, everyone falters and even good relationships have communication breakdowns. It’s how we repair misunderstandings or ruptures in our connection that makes all the difference. (But I’m getting ahead of myself…that’s for a future topic!) For today’s post, I’m going to share 5 communication skills & 5 tips that I feel like everyone needs to practice and learn.
While these skills may not change the person you are communicating with, they will help you be clear on how you share and show up in your relationships. Then, the more you practice, the more confident you’ll become at knowing when you are doing your part.
5 Communication Skills Everyone Needs
I often get asked, “How do I say or communicate (my decision/desire/want)?” First, make sure you know what kind of communication skill is needed in your situation. Most communication can be distilled into the following 5 skills:
Personal Share: Being open by sharing your thoughts, feelings, and decisions with others. To feel emotionally safe in your relationship, the degree to which you share about yourself needs to match the degree to which the other person can communicate they hear, see, and respect you. (To learn more about what emotional intimacy is & behaviors that block it, check out this blog post on Building Emotional Intimacy)
Be Curious: Listening and being curious to learn about the other person is just as important as sharing and letting them know you. After all, it’s mutual sharing and responding that builds your connection.
Give Feedback: Sharing how something the other person does or doesn’t do lands for you is an example of feedback. For example, “When you leave the house for the day and don’t say goodbye, I feel a disconnect between us.” You can add some curiosity (instead of making assumptions), “I don’t know if that’s how you feel too, but I’m interested to hear your thoughts on these possible moments of connection.”
Request Change: You can ask someone to change or become more aware of their behavior, as long as it’s not an attempt to control, shame, or demand change from the other person. For example, you can tell someone, “It would help me with meal preparation if you could let me know when you are running late. Is that something you are willing to do?” (Notice how different this is from complaining about their behavior.)
Define a Boundary: If you’ve asked someone to make a change to improve or repair your relationship, but the other person isn’t willing, gets defensive, or stuck in blaming, then you may need to set a boundary. Remember that a boundary is something you can enforce because it defines something you are going to do or not do. (To read examples of healthy boundaries and what to do when someone doesn’t like your boundary, check out this blog post on the Beginner’s Guide to Setting Boundaries.)
5 Tips to Improve Communication in Your Relationships
Now, that we have explored different ways to communicate, let’s dive into the “how” to get better at communication in your relationships. Most people rush to figure out “what to say”, but good communication starts inside first. Here are my top 5 communication tips:
Check Your Intentions: Get honest with yourself and check the intentions behind what you want to say. Do they match your values? For instance, if you value autonomy and respect, but you are trying to control or shame someone into changing, you’re not aligned with your values. What do you need to shift to get more aligned?
Assess Your Emotional Capacity: Most of our best communication comes when we are within our window of tolerance. You can be somewhat triggered, but not so activated that you are shut down or lashing out. If you don’t have the emotional capacity to communicate at that moment, then you may need to process your emotions first. (To learn more about emotional regulation, you may want to read this article on the Window of Tolerance, or this article on Processing Emotions.)
Ask for Emotional Consent: Ask for emotional consent before you share an intense or difficult topic. In this way, your partner or friend can check their emotional capacity for listening and responding. A lot of communication breaks down when we assume the other person is always ready and able to listen. Asking for consent before you share, can look like, “Are you available for having a conversation about our relationship?”
Own Your Part: Blame and shame disconnect, but owning your part invites connection. So when communicating, do your best to take responsibility for your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. Here’s an example of owning your part when giving feedback, “I have a part that freezes up when you are angry. This part of me doesn’t trust that you will be kind to me when you are angry.”
Communicate Empathy: Complaining and criticizing disconnects, while empathy connects. Empathy communicates that you understand someone or you can see their perspective. To hold two different perspectives, while also holding onto your own takes practice!
Each of these takes practice. Sometimes, you are going to feel great about how you communicate, and other times it’s an opportunity to learn and grow.
When The Person You Are Communicating with Reacts Negatively
Being committed to your own growth and healing can help you navigate when the person you are communicating with reacts negatively to you. It may be that they are too emotionally triggered to listen without defending, withdrawing, or keeping the blame on you. Or, they may have a hard time processing their own emotions, which makes it really hard for them to be emotionally available to you.
Depending on the intensity of their reaction, and your current capacity to be with the intensity, you may need to ask if they can communicate without (defending, blaming, etc.). If they aren’t willing to shift their behavior at that moment, then it’s ok to take a break from the conversation. You can pick the conversation back up when you are both ready to communicate in a way that’s owning your parts. Lastly, when the other person, doesn’t agree to take a recess, then you may need to define and hold your boundary.
Get Support to Improve Your Communication
Communication in relationships is a huge topic, so I hope I’ve offered something useful for you in this post. Know that every situation has its nuances, and emotions can change quickly. If you feel like you are in over your head, or you suspect you are experiencing emotional abuse, please seek professional support from a local mental health professional and/or relationship specialist. That’s what we are here for!
I’d love to hear how these ideas land for you, and if you have anything to add. Which of these communication skills do you struggle with the most? Or, which of these communication tips do you want to start practicing in your relationships?
Marci Payne, MA, LPC
Licensed Professional Counselor, Missouri
Get practice creating and communicating boundaries in relationships with the Healthy Boundaries Starter Kit.
Note: If you don’t feel safe in your relationship, please seek more immediate help to create a plan for safety. No one deserves to be abused. You can contact your local domestic violence shelter or contact the National Domestic Violence hotline. If you are unsure whether what you are experiencing is abuse or not, this is a great resource to help identify abuse.