Being Courageous Enough to Set Boundaries in Relationships
Growing up, I was taught to avoid conflict at all costs. Basically, to be nice & don’t hurt others’ feelings.
I had no idea the impact avoiding conflict would have on me for years to come. But I realize now that it contributed to me downplaying my own needs and feeling responsible for making others happy.
At some point, the consequences of feeling solely responsible for relationship change, others' happiness, and keeping the peace got to me. I was fed up and holding more in my body than I was meant to. I was in physical pain every day and would dread being around certain people.
Fast forward to my late 40s when I started to reclaim my voice and my power. I’m not going to lie to you and tell you I’ve eliminated all fear of others' reactions. Because that’s not true. But I do feel empowered to stand firm in knowing what I need, even if others don’t like it.
So if you too are tired of feeling emotionally responsible for others and ignoring your own needs and feelings, then it’s time to shift how you view yourself. But this shift won’t happen without taking action. I know you are probably worried like I was, about upsetting others or having to deal with their response, but I promise it can get better.
How to Worry Less About Others' Reactions to Your Boundaries
If you aren’t sure what emotional boundaries are, how to set them, or what to do when they aren’t respected, you may want to read this article on emotional boundaries first.
Then when you are ready to start speaking up, let this wisdom guide you:
Know others' reactions are about them - Most people react strongly to your boundaries because they don’t want to change. If you change, they may have to change too. When they have resistance to change, they may put pressure on you to change back. Knowing this is a possibility can help you take their reaction less personally.
Cherish your own well-being - In order to hold on under pressure to change back, you must lean into the why behind your boundary. I imagine you aren’t setting a boundary to be mean but to cherish and respect your own well-being too. Boundaries don’t mean you don’t care about others. They mean you care about yourself too.
Realize you always have a choice - We can get so focused on what others are doing or not doing that we forget we have a choice in how we respond. We have a choice on what we take responsibility for when it comes to others. And we have a choice on when we are available and whether we process for others.
Practice Grows Courage in Setting Boundaries
Most of us want change to happen immediately. But we are letting go of patterns that we have held onto for a really long time. And learning and embodying new skills takes practice.
Your courage and confidence in your ability to speak up for yourself and have challenging conversations will grow:
Every time you speak up and ask for what you need, even if you learn that person isn’t available.
Every time you state a boundary with someone let them know you aren’t available for that anymore.
Every time you hold onto a boundary instead of giving in under pressure and guilt from others to change back.
These actions are what it takes to grow your personal confidence and courage in relationships. To borrow the words of Franklin D. Roosevelt, “Courage is not the absence of fear but rather the assessment that something else is more important than fear.”
If you keep practicing, you will notice it gets easier to own and reclaim your power to stand firm in knowing what you need - even if others don’t like it.
Receive Support to Build Your Confidence in Relationships
If you need support and encouragement while you reclaim your power and confidence that you can speak up, that's what I’m here for.
Disclaimer: No one deserves to be abused. If you are in physical danger, please seek more immediate help before setting boundaries in unsafe relationships. (Learn how to create a safety plan here.)
Marci Payne, MA, LPC
Holistic Therapist & Self-Love Coach
Get practice creating and setting boundaries in relationships with the Healthy Boundaries Starter Kit or by attending a Brave Boundaries workshop.