Process and Self-Soothe Your Emotions
Emotions, we all have them. But we often don’t like them. We even try to avoid dealing with them. Hoping that if we ignore our feelings and distract ourselves, they will go away. Except the more we suppress our emotions, the more stuck they get.
Because emotions want to be recognized and heard. If we don’t stop, notice, and listen to our emotions, we miss their message or ignore our needs.
I get it. I have parts of me that want to disconnect and ignore my feelings too. Because we don’t completely trust that we can handle our emotions. Or our emotions have taken us over in the past and led us to a dark place.
When you learn how to create a safe space inside to process emotions, it can be very soothing. There is nothing quite like connecting with ourselves instead of abandoning ourselves when we’re hurting or struggling. So let’s explore how to process and self-soothe our emotions, so you too can show up for yourself when you need yourself the most.
How and Why We Suppress Our Feelings
First off, we aren’t meant to be happy all the time. As humans, we have a full range of emotions. Contrary to popular opinion, emotions don’t make us weak or broken, they make us human.
It’s when we feel our emotions take us over or out, that we want to avoid them. This is understandable, as we naturally try to prevent experiencing being triggered or hurt again. This is especially true if we have unhealed emotional wounds or traumas from our past. (More on that in a moment.)
You may also suppress emotions if you grow up experiencing emotions as scary or unacceptable. If others can’t handle their own emotions, they may criticize you to try to feel calm. And, if others were explosive, aggressive, or unpredictable when they experienced emotions, then you may have learned emotions aren’t safe.
Whatever the reason, most of us didn’t learn how to process and soothe our emotions, especially if we had emotionally unavailable, unsafe, or critical parents. So we end up abandoning ourselves by ignoring or over-identifying with our emotions.
We over-identify with our emotions when we feel like we are our emotions. Or we abandon or suppress our feelings when we:
Get busy with work or home projects
Get numb with substances or food
Distract yourself with your phone or TV
Criticize your emotions and reactions
Try to get higher than your emotions through meditation
Which do you tend to do?
What Happens When We Don’t Process Our Emotions
When we don’t process our emotions safely and healthily, they tend to get stuck in our bodies. This may lead to other problems, such as physical, behavioral, relational, and emotional struggles.
For instance, suppressing or getting stuck in emotions can lead to health problems, such as physical pain and illness. Or, it may lead to relationship problems, such as blaming and lashing out at others to try to get the feelings out of us. If most of your day is spent trying to avoid or feeling taken over by feelings, then it can even lead to substance abuse problems.
Two things typically happen when you don’t process your emotions, the hurt either goes deeper or a part of you will go to greater extremes to try to get your attention. The latter is what typically brings people to seek help, such as counseling and therapy.
The good news is emotions will naturally move through us when we open up space inside of us to be with them without over-identifying with them. So with the importance of learning to process our emotions in mind, let’s get into the skills and awareness that can help.
What Being Triggered Means
Emotions include feelings, but also the physiological state that you may be experiencing when you feel triggered. When people say they are “triggered”, they are usually referring to one of the following types of triggers.
Emotional Trigger - This happens when you have a feeling about something that you don’t like. An emotional trigger it’s about something in the present and the intensity of the reaction matches the intensity of the situation.
Trauma Trigger - This happens when something in the present reminds you (your nervous system or your brain) about a past time when you didn’t feel safe. You may not always know or be able to put into words what in your past is triggered, but your reaction is intense and feels like it’s “more” than what is in the present.
The next time you are triggered, pause and bring awareness to your reaction. Does it feel like an emotional or trauma trigger? (This is important because you will respond to each of these differently.)
How to Process Emotions in a Safe & Healthy Way
For today’s article, I’m going to be focusing on how to respond to emotional triggers. The following 4 steps are especially useful if you are someone who tends to check out or suppress your feelings:
Slow Down: Stop what you are doing and slow way down. Take some deep breaths or move your body to prepare yourself to get still, quiet, and listen within.
Notice: Notice what thoughts, feelings, or emotions are present within you. Acknowledge what you are experiencing by seeing it as a part of you, such as stating “I’m experiencing (feeling/emotion).”
Connect: Communicate your presence to this emotion (or part of you) without trying to fix it. For instance, you can let it know, “I’m here for you.”
Listen: If you feel open and curious toward this emotion, ask what it needs from you.
When you are first learning how to process emotions in this way, it can be helpful to have a guide. I have recorded an audio meditation where I guide you through each of these steps. You can listen to it as many times as you need to. (To receive the link to the free audio recording, click here.)
What To Do if Feel Overwhelmed By Your Emotions
If you are someone who feels like their emotions take you over, you may need to settle the intensity before you try to process them. Here are a few things you can try the next time you want to process your emotions healthily, but feel overwhelmed by them:
Ask the emotion to turn down the intensity, so you can be with it more easily
Send the emotion or sensation compassionate breaths
Move or shake your body in a way that feels good
Once you feel like the intensity has decreased enough that you feel okay being with the emotion that needs you, return to the 4 steps above to process and learn what you need.
Lastly, if you consistently feel overwhelmed by your emotions or are experiencing trauma triggers, consult with a qualified mental health professional. We can help you connect with yourself by helping you open up space within yourself. In doing so, you can learn new tools or even heal from the past.
I’d love to hear how this lands for you. What questions do you have? What awareness did this spark?
Marci Payne, MA, LPC
Licensed Professional Counselor in Kansas City, Missouri
You can learn more about working with me in individual counseling here.
Or, click here to receive a free audio recording of me guiding you through the 4 steps in my meditation on “Processing Emotions with Loving Presence.”
Disclaimer: Some people use emotional upset to try to control others. It's never ok to use (or receive) violence, manipulation, or threats when you (or someone else) are experiencing feelings. This post is for anyone who feels like they have been neglecting their internal world for far too long, or judge themselves for having feelings of any kind.