What You Need to Make Repairs in Your Relationships
Even good relationships will experience misunderstandings, disappointments, and missed opportunities for deeper connection. The key to strong and supportive relationships isn’t the absence of these problems, it’s how we navigate and repair the breakdowns in communication and connection.
Most of us didn’t learn how to repair breakdowns in our relationships. So we either tolerate a lot in our relationships, or we may end the relationship at the first sign of problems. Either response to relationship problems doesn’t help us co-create strong relationships. Join me in learning all about relationship repair, including what to do when a repair isn’t possible in your relationship.
What Is Relationship Repair (& How It Differs from Apology)
First, I invite you to think of repair as an opportunity to restore the connection with yourself and others. It’s not a one-and-done activity that ensures you will never misstep or get hurt again. Still, if done with empathy and positive intention, repair can restore connection and help you rebuild trust. In this way, repair is about the relationship between people.
While apologizing is usually about the person giving the apology. For instance, maybe you apologize to get the conflict to stop, even if you don’t think it was all you. Or maybe you’ve received an apology that felt empty as if the person doesn’t get how their behavior has impacted you. In this way, an apology may be part of the repair process, but it’s so much more than that.
I’ll be sharing more about what ingredients you need to have a successful repair, but first, let's identify the different types of repair. Some repairs are uni-directional, while others are mutual repairs. Here are 3 types of repair that someone can ask for or initiate:
Mutual repair (Both people had a part to play in the problem and/or conflict and are both interested in giving and receiving repair with each other. In this situation, you would take turns. You can start by stating “What do we each need to repair our relationship?”)
Asking for repair (You are asking for someone to repair something they have done, or not done, recently or in the past. You can ask for this by stating “I need you to make a repair with me (from the thing that happened). Is this something you are willing to do?”)
Giving the repair (You recognize you made a mistake or took a misstep, and you are initiating repairing with the person involved. You can initiate by stating, “I did (the thing you did/didn’t do), and it’s not the first time. Here’s how I’m going to work on that.”)
What Happens When Relationships Are Unrepaired
When you have successfully repaired a relationship after a rupture in trust and/or connection, you will likely feel more open and relaxed with the person, because you feel understood. But what happens when you don’t repair a relationship rupture?
It can feel like you have an open emotional wound. And you will do almost anything to not add pain to that wound, like disengaging, armoring yourself with resentment, or even giving in and appeasing the other.
On the other hand, you don’t need to call out every single behavior and mistake or repair it 100% of the time. But if we attempted or successfully repaired after two-thirds of our conflict and/or misunderstandings we would build stronger relationships.
The Ingredients You Need to Repair a Relationship Rupture
If both people can self-regulate and reflect on their part, then you can move into a repair process sooner rather than later. But, for many, you may need some time to self-soothe, and check in with yourself to see if these ingredients are present enough to proceed:
Positive Intention: What is your intention behind initiating a repair or apology? Do you want to win the argument or get revenge? Or are you able to remember you care about this person? To repair, you need to have the positive intention of wanting to reconnect.
Empathy for Others: Can you put yourself in the other person’s shoes? What was it like for them to be on the receiving end of something you did or didn’t do? To repair successfully, most people need to know that you get and understand them.
Self-Regulation: You can be somewhat activated and still repair, but you need to not be fully triggered, taken over by emotion, or shut down. Wait until you have self-soothed enough to have a supportive and honest conversation. (You can learn the 4 steps to process emotions safely here.)
Acknowledge Your Part: Are you trying to prove you are right? If so, then you probably aren’t ready to enter a repair conversation. Wait until you can acknowledge any part you played in the problem or missed connection.
Commitment to Change: Are you willing to come up with a plan on how you are going to work on your part? Committing to working on your part will go one step further at rebuilding trust, especially if your commitment turns into behavior change over time.
If you have most of these ingredients, you may want to check out how to ask for what you need with the Relationship Repair Wheel. Most importantly, I encourage you to identify what repair looks like to you and what you need from the person you are attempting repair with.
How to Know When Repair Isn’t Possible
Sometimes despite our best efforts to cultivate these qualities in ourselves, the person we desire to repair with isn’t able to show up and lean in respectfully. The reality is not all relationships can be repaired, especially if you are in a relationship with someone who has a hard time owning their part and/or regulating their emotions. And if there is ongoing abuse, violence, and/or gaslighting, relationship repair is highly unlikely. (If you are unsure whether what you are experiencing is abuse or not, this article can help you identify abuse.)
Outside of these extremes, here are some behaviors that indicate repair isn’t possible:
Proving their right
Silent treatment
Controlling comments or threats
Retaliation or revenge
Doing all the talking or refusing to listen
And just because you or your person is exhibiting repair-interfering behaviors right now, doesn’t mean that can’t change in the future.
Experiencing Grief When Relationship Repair Is Not Possible
If your relationship can’t be repaired or improved right now, you may experience grief, sadness, or even anger. Coming to terms with your partner or family member being unwilling or unable to do their part to repair can be heartbreaking. Know it’s ok to experience grief, sadness, and longing even in the most complicated and messy relationships.
Create space in your life where you feel emotionally safe and free to acknowledge and experience your grief and sadness about your relationship. It may come and go in waves and is an important part of acknowledging that the relationship may not be what you desire for yourself.
How to Self-Repair When Relationship Repair Isn’t Possible
Also know that even if repair isn’t possible between you and the other person, you can begin to repair with yourself. This process is called self-repair.
To start self-repair, identify what unmet need you have in the relationship and consider how you can meet this for yourself. For instance, if you wish the other person would forgive you, begin offering yourself forgiveness. Or if you want the other person to recognize your value, begin recognizing your innate value.
It can be really great to have someone witness this internal process, so reach out for support from someone you trust to hold a safe space for your pain and healing. This can be a friend, sibling, group leader, or mental health professional. No matter what, healing is possible, and always starts within first.
What’s been your experience with repairing after conflict, breach in trust, or breakdown in communication in your relationship? When has it gone well, or When has it not gone well?
Marci Payne, MA, LPC
Licensed Professional Counselor, Kansas City, Missouri
I help individual adults navigate and heal from challenging relationships by reclaiming their worth, confidence, and voice. Learn more about individual therapy with Marci here.