What Self-Love Truly Means & How to Strengthen It Daily
Self-love has come a long way in popular culture, but it is still evolving.
Originally self-love had a negative meaning. The term was originally used as early as the 1500s. And as far as I can tell, self-love was defined in dictionaries through the late 1990s as conceited, egotistic, and even narcissistic.
A re-definition began in the mid-1950s when Eric Fromm, a German psychologist re-conceptualized self-love as a positive and necessary trait of "caring and being responsible for oneself". Many social interest groups also promoted self-love as a positive resource to aid the post-war, feminist, and Black-power movements. This idea that self-love doesn't mean you are better than others is revolutionary. But it has taken a while to take hold and come to light today.
As of 2022, the Merriam-Webster dictionary defines self-love as a "proper regard for and attention to one's own happiness or well-being." But Merriam-Webster also still defines self-love as an "inflated love of or pride in oneself" (i.e. narcissism). As reflected in these conflicting definitions, I feel like we are halfway there to redefining what self-love truly means.
I’m here to help clarify how loving yourself is a positive practice. Join me in learning what it truly means to love yourself and how to strengthen your relationship with yourself. Because your relationship with yourself is the most important and longest relationship you will ever have!
What Self-Love Is Not
Before I share the meaning and benefits of practicing loving yourself, it’s important to understand what self-love is not. You may have been conditioned to believe outdated definitions of self-love. When you reflect on what self-love means to you, does it hold any of the following?
Self-love is not:
Narcissism (Thinking you are better than others)
Selfish (Only thinking of yourself)
Absence of giving or receiving love from others (We can receive love from others, even when we aren’t feeling loving toward ourselves.)
Destination (We get to practice loving and caring for ourselves every day.)
It’s important to redefine what self-love means to you, so you are practicing and aligning with the definition that holds the highest truths. (Not the definitions from the 1500s or 1990s!)
What Does Self-Love Mean & Look Like?
Now that you’re considering what self-love is not, what definition holds the highest truth? Here’s how I define it:
“Self-love is unconditional love toward yourself.”
In this way, self-love means loving yourself no matter what. Not just loving yourself when you are doing great things, but also loving yourself when you make mistakes, and go through heartbreak and disappointment.
Another way to think about self-love is being a great friend to yourself.
Here are 10 Signs You are a Good Friend to Yourself:
You Enjoy Your Own Company
You Respond With Kindness When You Make a Mistake
You Can Be With Your Uncomfortable Emotions
You Are Interested in Getting to Know Yourself
You Believe In Yourself
You Know Your Worth is Innate & Nothing Can Take It Away from You
You Take Steps to Create the Life You Most Desire
You Have Your Own Back & Don’t Stay in Relationships Where You Are Being Harmed
You Notice When You Need Something
You Know When to Ask for Support Outside of Yourself
Most of us focus so much energy on doing these things for others. Imagine what would be possible, if we also focused on becoming this kind of friend to ourselves.
Why is Self-Love Important?
Remember self-love isn’t something to master in one day or even one year, it’s a choice and commitment you return to again and again. Because when you grow in loving yourself, you are creating more love in this world. And I believe we could all use more of that.
In addition to creating more love in the world, practicing self-love is also good for your mental health, your physical well-being, and your relationships. (You can learn 6 ways low self-worth impacts relationships here.)
Imagine what would be possible if you motivated yourself out of love and kindness, instead of pressure, fear, and guilt. First off, you’d know where to put your precious energy each day. Instead of draining yourself for things that don’t matter or won’t change. You’d also take risks in asking for what you need and saying no to what you don’t.
How to Practice Self-Love
Are you ready to take the concept of self-love and turn it into something you can practice and strengthen? Here are 4 practical steps to strengthen self-love:
Identify what areas of self-love you are strong and what areas need strengthening. (Refer to the list of 10 ways to be a good friend to yourself.)
Commit to strengthening one of the areas that you’d love to grow. (You can pick a time frame, like one month, one quarter, or one year.)
Create a daily practice around the area or quality you want to strengthen. (If you need support in creating a practice, that’s what I’m here for!)
Check in with yourself often. (Celebrate all progress & extend compassion to yourself. You are learning something new, and it’s ok to not be perfect at this!)
For extra inspiration, let me introduce the woman I first learned about self-love from Christine Arylo, the founder of the Path of Self-Love School and author of several books, including Madly in Love with Me. Christine conceptualizes self-love as a tree with 10 different branches, or kinds, of self-love. In Christine's words:
"To really love yourself and have the ability to choose love in your daily actions, decisions, and thoughts over the course of your lifetime, all ten branches of self-love must be taken care of, acknowledged, and grown." ~Christine Arylo, Madly in Love with Me
Even if you never learned that love comes from within too, self-love is something you can grow and nourish within yourself. One branch at a time. One day at a time.
Remember, we get to be in this relationship with ourselves for a lifetime, so it’s about growing and returning to loving ourselves. (Not about being perfectly loving.)
how are you already a great friend to yourself? or, where do you want to grow?
Marci Payne, MA, LPC
Self-Love Mentor for Women
Strengthen your relationship with yourself by attending or hosting one of my Self-Love Workshops here. I’d love to have you!