10 Strategies to Help You Stop Being a People-Pleaser

Does this sound like you? You know you are a people-pleaser, but you aren’t sure how to stop. You care about others almost too much and recently realized that you don’t even know who you are anymore. You are so busy taking care of what everyone else needs or meeting others' expectations, that you have little time and energy left to give to yourself, your needs, and your goals.

If you are ready to create a more balanced life and relationships where you still care about others, then it’s time to learn to love and care for yourself too.

Understand Where You Learned to Be a People-Pleaser

First, understand how you came to become such a pleaser. To begin, reflect on how long you’ve been a people-pleaser, and what it’s trying to protect you from.

For many, people-pleasing is something we’ve learned to do to feel safe in our relationship and/or environment. For example, if you are a part of a group of people who have experienced racism, discrimination, or exclusion, you may feel like it’s not ok to be yourself. Or maybe you grew up in a family where problems were avoided or conflict became violent. In this latter situation, you may have learned it’s not safe to disagree or say No. 

In these situations, pleasing others becomes one of the main ways you cope. For instance, you may try to become invisible, keep the peace, or put what others need and want above your well-being. (You can read more about situations that contribute to being a people-pleaser here: “Where People Pleasing Comes From”)

10 Strategies to Help You Stop Being a People-Pleaser

Now that you are starting to understand where you learned to be a people-pleaser, let’s explore how to shift this behavior. My best advice is to learn to love and care for yourself too. But what does that even look like?!

Let’s break this down into 10 practical strategies that are designed to help you stop being a people-pleaser, and have more choices in how you respond to others.

1. Identify What’s Motivating You to Change (There will be times when you forget why you are working on shifting this behavior. Identify why you want to stop pleasing or merging with others, and you’ve tapped into your motivation for change. Write this down somewhere, so you have it when you need it most.)

2. Get to Know Yourself (Create space daily, even if it’s just 5 minutes to start, where you slow down and tune inward. Notice how you are feeling physically, emotionally, and mentally. If you need help with this listen to my guided mindfulness meditation here.)

3. Re-Connect with Your Self (Chances are, your inner pleaser and caretaker doesn’t realize there is a resource within that helps you have more choices. Working with a therapist trained in IFS, or “parts work”, can help you access the inner YOU that is calm, compassionate, and confident.)

4. Start Giving Yourself What You Need Too (As part of your daily check-in, ask yourself what you need. Start with this being something you can give to yourself. Commit to following through with giving yourself what you need, and you are rebuilding trust inside.)

5. Ask for What You Need in Relationships (Learn to ask for what you need in your relationships instead of ignoring what you need and growing resentful. Asking for what you need doesn’t guarantee the other person will give you what you need, but it will help you stop putting yourself last. You can learn more about The Art of Request here.)

6. Learn to Set & Hold Boundaries (Sometimes we need to say “No” and clearly define what we are no longer available for. This is different than telling others what to do. You can learn more about Healthy Boundaries here.)

7. Identify Your Trigger Relationships (Notice what people are most likely to trigger your inner pleaser or caretaker. For instance, where have you given up your identity to keep the peace? Or in what relationships are you more likely to do for others without considering your current capacity to give?)

8. Step Back & Hold Still (In relationships where you rush in to solve, fix, or do for others, practice stepping back and holding still more.)

9. Grow Your Tolerance for Discomfort (When we engage in new behaviors, such as using our voice and navigating differences, we may feel uncomfortable. It’s ok to feel discomfort when we are growing. However, if you are uncomfortable because you are in an abusive, manipulative, or dangerous situation, then this isn’t something to learn to tolerate.) 

10. Strengthen your Self-Worth (Your worth is innate and nothing and no one can take that away from you. You are worthy, even if you make mistakes and even when others don’t recognize your value. Strengthening your self-worth is a process and a choice you can learn more about here.)

How is this landing for you? (Comment below and share your takeaways.)

Loving, Caring, & Prioritizing Yourself Too

It can be frustrating to realize you have been abandoning yourself to keep the peace in your relationship. But it is also liberating to realize that you are worthy of love even when you aren’t trying to earn others' approval and recognition. Keep going, growing, and learning how to reclaim your identity, time, and well-being!

And know that you don’t need to do all 10 strategies to stop being a people-pleaser. Some strategies will speak to you more than others. Before you click away, reflect on:

• Which strategies feel like they are calling for your attention right now? 

• What support do you need to make yourself a priority too?

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Marci Payne, MA, LPC

Licensed Professional Counselor, Kansas City, Missouri

If you are looking for support to learn how to better care for all of yourself, including learning how to set boundaries, then you may want to check out my Prioritize Yourself course here.