How to Prioritize Yourself as a Busy Mom
We have been conditioned to believe that we need to over-give to be great moms. But over-giving and over-doing for others leaves many feeling burned out, frustrated, and like we have nothing left to give to ourselves.
It’s time to clear up what prioritizing ourselves means, how self-care and selfishness are different, and how to make time for what we, as moms, need too.
What Prioritizing Yourself Means
To me, prioritizing yourself means attuning to what you need and focusing on what you desire. It’s learning to value yourself at least as much as you value others and the causes you care about.
Prioritizing yourself means choosing when you are available and when you aren’t available. It also means choosing what we help our kids with and what we leave for them to figure out.
My kids would be the first to tell you that I’m not a perfect parent, but I do value them AND myself. I’ve learned that there is room within me to love and care for each of us.
Why It’s Important to Prioritize Yourself
On the flip side, when we don’t prioritize our well-being and dreams, it can negatively impact our mental and physical health and our relationship with our kids. If you have been pushing yourself through exhaustion only to find you are too wired to relax or sleep, you may be experiencing burnout. (Learn about the symptoms of parental burnout here.)
Outside of tending to our own emotional, physical, and relational needs being good for us too, there’s another reason to improve our relationship with ourselves. How we treat ourselves impacts our relationship with our kids!
We can be there for our kids when they make mistakes without criticizing them because we have learned to show up with kindness for ourselves too.
We can celebrate and admire them because we also allow ourselves to be celebrated too. And we can show interest in them because we also have the support we need too.
Lastly, our kids are learning from us all the time. If we want to help them not lose themselves in their relationships and not overly sacrifice their well-being for others, then we need to model that it’s ok to have boundaries and be ourselves. Again, it’s not about being the perfect parent, but loving ourselves enough to attune to what we need too.
Your Needs & Desires Matter Too
In 2018, I surveyed 78 working moms, and two-thirds were not only working, raising kids, but also volunteering in their community. (Note: This survey includes moms that work both part-time, full-time, and/or self-employed. I also recognize that you don’t need to be doing paid work to over-give and experience burnout as a parent.)
In this survey, I learned that moms loved the many roles and ways they contributed and gave to others, but that they also feel like there’s never enough space for themselves. Some of the needs and desires that moms want to create space for are:
Time to breathe, relax, and let go of responsibilities and demands
Care for your health and physical body
Make memories and have fun with your children
Date and spend alone time with a spouse or partner
Catch up with friends other than through text or their Facebook wall
Sounds amazing doesn’t it? Since we can’t create more hours in our day, how do we create more space for what we need and desire too? It’s going to take thinking and doing things differently.
5 Self-Care Tips & Journal Prompts for Moms
Start with Awareness First: Begin reflecting on what obstacles get in the way of you prioritizing yourself. Obstacles can be both inside and outside of yourself. The more you bring these obstacles into your conscious awareness, the more you’ll know what to focus on. (Journal prompts to boost your awareness: What thoughts, feelings, or habits are contributing to over-giving? What relationship patterns or environmental pressures feel like an obstacle to focusing on yourself?)
Do Less, Not More: As your awareness grows, open up to ways you can do less, instead of more. You can still have an impact if you do less. You may have a greater impact when you are more resourced within. (Journal prompts for creating space: What do I need to say No to to create space for what I need too? What would bring me more pleasure or joy?)
Allow Kids to Experience Disappointment: Often as parents, we are so focused on keeping our kids happy, that we miss the growing opportunities when our kids experience some discomfort. You may be surprised how supportive your kids are when you start saying No more. You may also realize how much they’ve gotten used to you doing so much for them. Either way, kids can tolerate being disappointed, and they have you to care about them as they move through it!
Connect with Yourself Daily: Develop a routine of checking in with yourself in the morning, preferably before you check your phone or email in the morning. Practicing mindful check-ins with yourself can help you witness what sensations, thoughts, and feelings are present and need your focus. (If you’d like to be guided to check in with yourself daily, listen to my guided meditation here.)
Reserve Weekly Dates with Yourself: Pick a morning, afternoon, evening, or whole day if your schedule allows that is reserved just for you. The only rule is no working, and that includes your house. Depending on what you need that week, you may schedule time out of the house with friends or your partner. Or you may just love to be home with unscheduled time to yourself. It can be hard at first to drop the to-do list, but it is so worth it!
As you try new things to see what works for you, may you know it’s ok to recognize your needs, retain energy for yourself, and find enjoyment in your life. Because the best gift you can give your kids and community is to create space to heal, love, and care for yourself too.
How is this landing for you? What next steps do you feel inspired to take?
Marci Payne, MA, LPC
Holistic Therapist, Kansas City, Missouri
Self-Love Mentor
Need more support? If you would love to be encouraged on your journey to prioritizing yourself, then I invite you to learn more about my Prioritize Yourself course (or group). I share 5 obstacles that make it hard to prioritize yourself and guide you through self-awareness, self-care, and boundary exercises.