What Type of People-Pleaser Are You?
Do you wish you could keep others happy with you or just make loved ones happy in general? If so, you may be a people-pleaser.
You may already be aware of your people-pleasing behaviors. Or you may not realize all the subtle and sneaky ways that people-pleasing shows up in your relationships, work, and life.
I’ve found awareness comes in layers. Once you start healing people-pleasing, more layers present themselves for healing too. I’m here to help you grow your awareness of how attempting to chronically please others may get in the way of your health, happiness, and relationship satisfaction. If you are ready, let’s explore the definition and types of people-pleasing.
What is People-Pleasing?
I think of people-pleasing as using agreeableness to create a sense of safety in oneself and/or their environment. If you identify as a people-pleaser, then you typically put others’ needs, wants, and beliefs above your own, in an attempt to earn acceptance or create peace, no matter what it costs you. (You can read about the signs and consequences of people-pleasing here.)
In fact, you may be so good at reading others and/or the environment that you don’t even know how you feel, what you need, or what people-pleasing is costing you. Chances are, you grew up in a family where it wasn’t safe to speak up or be yourself, or you were in a relationship where you felt like you needed to keep your partner happy and calm. Know this, people-pleaser part has served a purpose, even if it’s no longer working for you.
4 Types of People Pleasers
Before you consider stopping your people-pleaser part from doing what it always does, it can be helpful to identify exactly how it shows up for you. That way, you know exactly what you are looking for, how it feels, and what it may be trying to do for you.
I’ve identified at least four types of people-pleasers, one of which is my most common and the sneakiest! Read through these and reflect on which one describes how people-pleasing shows up for you:
Caretaker: The caretaker puts others’ needs above their own. You believe that if you can make other people happy and healthy, then you can finally get back to what you need to, except that doesn’t happen.
Peacekeeper: The peacekeeper goes along to get along. You focus on doing or not doing whatever it takes to avoid conflict, whether that’s being invisible or agreeing even if you don’t.
True Pleaser: The true pleaser modifies their behavior in hopes of receiving approval, acceptance, belonging, and/or love in return. You are focused on being exactly who others want you to be.
Manager: The manager is micro-managing their environment to feel a sense of control and safety. You are focused on having a say in every situation, even when it feels overwhelming or leads to resentment.
Which Type of People-Pleaser Do You Most Identify With?
For me, the "Manager" is the one who shows up most often. It can be tough to spot because, on the surface, it looks like I have it all figured out and put together. But I’ve learned that even this competent part takes a toll when I’m not aware of its presence. Once I became aware that this is part of me, not simply me, everything changed.
Being a people-pleaser, no matter the type, can be hard to recognize and even harder to undo on your own. But it is absolutely possible to heal. If you are ready to lean into letting go of this pattern, I encourage you to seek support from a guide who understands how to heal the root of these behaviors rather than just managing the symptoms.
If you recognize yourself in any of these types, Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy can help you understand these parts in a new way while also creating space to heal what lies at the root of their fear. I invite you to dive into my guide on What is IFS Therapy? (coming soon!) to see how this approach can help you move to caring for yourself as much as you care about others.
Author: Marci Payne, MA, LPC, LCPC
Marci is an IFS therapist and Licensed Professional Counselor in Missouri and Kansas, with a private practice located in Lee’s Summit, MO. Her expertise includes individual therapy for people-pleasers, empaths, and adults recovering from emotionally abusive relationships. Marci provides both online and in-person sessions and is recognized as a non-traditional, holistic, and inclusive therapist. (Learn more about therapy for people-pleasing here.)