The Signs and Consequences of People-Pleasing
Caring about others’ happiness is kind. But we don’t always need to do something to make others happy. When we repeatedly sacrifice our own needs and well-being to try to make others happy or get them to like us, that’s people-pleasing.
If you are unsure whether your actions are kind and generous or cross the line into people-pleasing, then join me as I explore the meaning, signs, and consequences of people-pleasing.
How Being a People-Pleaser is Different than Being Kind
People-pleasing is a collection of thoughts and behaviors that puts others’ needs, wants, & beliefs above your own, no matter what it costs you. Whether you are trying to earn acceptance, approval, or keep the peace, you feel a strong urge to put others’ needs and wants above your own.
With this in mind, know that people-pleasing isn’t the same thing as choosing to help someone. When you are people-pleasing, you feel like you don’t have a choice. And you are probably pleasing and appeasing others to keep the peace, earn others’ approval, or feel better about yourself. The important distinction between being kind and people-pleasing is having a choice on when to help others.
Recognize the Signs of People-Pleasing
In general, I’ve found that people-pleasing falls into 4 types of people-pleasers. (You can read about the different types of people pleasers here.) Or, see if you recognize yourself in any of the following 10 signs of people-pleasing:
Worry about what other people think of you
Have a hard time saying “no” to others
Ignore or deny your own needs and feelings
Give up on your own goals to keep others happy
Avoid difficult topics or sharing about yourself
Make choices based on meeting others’ expectations
Feel like you are responsible for solving others’ problems
Change who you are in an attempt to get others to like you
Quick to apologize even when it’s not your problem
Agree to keep the peace, even when you disagree
Take Stock of the Consequences of People-Pleasing
So hopefully by now, you are starting to recognize whether or not you struggle with people-pleasing and how it may be impacting your emotional, physical, and relationship health. Three of the most common long-term consequences of people-pleasing are:
Resentment & Dissatisfaction in Relationships: Feeling angry, resentful, and overwhelmed by all that you do for others is a classic sign that you are giving more than you are receiving. Or that you are giving in hopes that others will reciprocate but they don’t. This can lead to unhappiness in your relationships and feeling taken advantage of, even if the other person doesn’t realize how much you are giving up.
Burnout & Stress: If you are over-giving to others and tasks more than yourself, you will eventually feel stressed and burned out. This may be experienced by a lack of compassion for others or even extreme fatigue. Our bodies have a way of slowing us down, even if we don’t consciously care for ourselves.
Loss of Identity: Lastly, if you have been trying to change yourself to be liked, keep the peace, or make others happy, you eventually won’t know who you are outside of trying to please others.
But you can find yourself again, and learn to care and love yourself as much as you do others! Some of your relationships may need to change, as you realize who respects you have needs, wants, and boundaries and who doesn’t.
Remember that caring about others and their happiness doesn’t need to jeopardize your own health, happiness, and relationship satisfaction. You can learn to be both kind to yourself and others. To care about others while also caring for yourself.
Marci Payne, MA, LPC
Holistic Therapist in Kansas City, MO
I help adults recover from burnout, people-pleasing & toxic relationships. Learn how to stop saying Yes to everyone except yourself with the Prioritize Yourself Course