How a Self-Critical Person Can Motivate Themselves with Kindness
How do you motivate yourself without being so hard on yourself?
Contrary to popular opinion, you don’t overcome self-criticism by ignoring or arguing with yourself. Instead, you can transform self-criticism by getting to know it, while not being overtaken by it.
I know the last thing you want to do is get closer to the voice inside that yells and criticizes you. But it’s really the only way to learn and tend to what this part of you needs.
Chances are this voice has yet to learn how else to motivate you or help you, other than putting you down. This inner critic doesn’t know there is another way, like being kind to yourself, to get you closer to what you desire. I know because I used to be really hard on myself too, but now self-compassion is one of my strengths.
If this resonates with you, join me and exploring how self-kindness can be just as motivating as self-criticism without all the harmful side effects. Then, you can decide which voice, kindness, or criticism, you want to take the lead inside of you.
Cost of Self-Criticism
First, you only change what you think is causing you pain, so let’s take a look at what self-criticism is costing you.
Did you know that being critical of yourself has the same effect as another person criticizing and/or bullying you? Your body doesn’t know the difference between others' judgment and self-judgment. Both can lead to an increase in physical and emotional symptoms.
When you are critical of yourself, it can either push you to work harder, no matter what the cost to your emotional and physical well-being. Or it can shut you down, making it really hard to motivate yourself to go for what you most desire.
Understanding Your Self-Critical Voice
If being self-critical comes with such a cost, why do we do it? You may have had a really critical parent or partner, so you learned to criticize yourself before others could criticize you. Or, you may have had an emotionally unavailable parent or partner who dismissed your voice or feelings.
Either way, the inner critic may be trying to protect you from feeling or experiencing the things you felt hurt by in the past. At the extreme, your inner critic may believe that if it gets rid of all weaknesses or flaws, it may never be hurt again.
Get curious & ask your inner critic, “What is it afraid would happen if it didn’t do this inside of you?” I find many answers to this question, but chances are your inner critic is afraid. And it thinks the solution is to keep you from showing or experiencing weakness. Which is why you can’t argue or ignore it away, it needs you.
Different Ways to Motivate Yourself
You can learn to relate to your inner critic without trying to cover it up with affirmations, believing it, or yelling back at it.
For many of us, a harsh inner critic has gotten us moving, because we want to prove that voice wrong. Or, we don’t want to feel how it’s making us feel, so we push ourselves harder. This works for a while until you feel like you can’t motivate yourself at all, or you’d rather be anyone else other than yourself.
So what else can motivate us to create the lives we enjoy and desire most? Knowing, loving, and being kind to ourselves can be really motivating. Because we want to give ourselves what we desire.
Self-kindness opens our hearts and fuels our actions with Love AND Truth. Being kind to ourselves isn’t letting ourselves off the hook and/or ignoring mistakes and missteps. Instead, self-kindness looks and feels compassionate, understanding, forgiving, and patient with ourselves.
Practice Self-Kindness with Your Inner Critic
Self-love and kindness can feel so elusive, so it helps to make them practical. (Learn more about what self-love means here.) The next time you hear the critical voice nagging or yelling at you, lean in.
Notice: Notice the critical voice. See it as a part of you, but not all of you. If it feels really loud inside, ask it to turn down its volume so you can hear it better.
Connect: Connect with the critical voice as you would a loved one or good friend. Ask it what it’s worried about or what it needs from you.
Respond: Let your inner critic know that you hear and see it. If you are feeling compassion toward your inner critic, then respond with compassion toward this part of you.
Over time, the more you are kind to your inner critic, the more it will begin to trust you as a resource inside too. With practice, you will be able to choose kindness over criticism as a way to grow and motivate yourself.
Opening your heart to yourself naturally leads to opening yourself up to what you desire too. The more your heal inside, the more you want to be healthy and kind to yourself.
get Support to Overcome Self-Criticism with Self-Compassion
If you struggle with accessing compassion and kindness inside, that’s what I’m here for! Here is a video where I lead you through giving yourself compassion through words and touch. Check it out here:
If you need additional support in this area, I’m happy to work with you one-on-one. (See the link below for more details on who I work with & where.)
Which one will you choose the next time you feel stuck - criticism or kindness?
Marci Payne, MA, LPC
Licensed Professional Counselor, Missouri
Learn more about holistic therapy & counseling in Kansas City here.