The Windy Road to Finding the Right Therapist: Insights from a Kansas City IFS Therapist
When I first moved to the Kansas City area in my mid-20s, I was fresh out of graduate school and newly married. It didn’t take long to realize I really needed to find my own therapist. I had been through a massive amount of change in a short time, and my body was feeling the stress.
I wish I had known then what I know now about finding a provider who is a genuine fit for my system. Looking back, even though I held a degree in clinical psychology, I was unsure of my own true needs. I had spent my life moving seamlessly from one achievement to the next, meeting external expectations and rigid deadlines. I was highly trained to be needed by others, but entirely untrained in how to have needs of my own.
Finding My First Several Therapists
I knew I needed support beyond my immediate circle, and I deeply wanted to experience therapy for myself before I began providing it for others. So, I did what most people did back then: I called my insurance company for a list of referrals.
What I remember about those first few therapists I tried in my 20s is pretty hazy. I recall one handing me a book to read, and another immediately wanting me to see a psychiatrist for medication. Neither of them truly knew me; their focus was entirely on treating my surface-level symptoms. I knew enough about myself to realize that a symptom-only approach wasn’t working for me, so I stopped going.
Like many people who feel stuck in their search for a therapist, a doctor, or even a partner, I simply stopped looking for a while. I put my head down, moved forward, and relied on the survival strategies and coping mechanisms I already had.
It wasn’t until I heard a clinician speak about symptoms in the context of family systems that I felt a spark of hope and found my next therapist. We worked together for years, and she guided me through some incredibly dark times. Yet, I never fully connected with the model we used, despite trying really hard to make it fit. I realize now that the modality was heavily focused on my thinking brain, leaving the deeper, emotional parts of me behind. My thinking parts became beautifully well-developed, but it allowed me to intellectually bypass my actual emotions even more.
Finding My IFS Therapist in Missouri
I took another long break from the therapy couch until my late 40s. Enter perimenopause, and with it, a glaring, unavoidable spotlight on all the things I still wanted to heal, grow, and transform in my life and relationships.
This time, I was intentional. I knew I specifically wanted to find an IFS therapist in Missouri. I had fallen in love with how Internal Family Systems views our various internal parts as inherently non-pathological - meaning there are no "bad" parts of us. I finally knew exactly what I was looking for, and perhaps more importantly, what I wasn't.
That intentionality led me to the therapist I have been working with for the past three and a half years. Together, we have shared profoundly deep, transformative healing experiences. She is both confident and tender. She holds a nurturing, steady space for me, trusting entirely that my system will naturally know what it needs to heal.
That was exactly what I told her I needed at the start: someone who trusted my inner wisdom to lead the way, while they held the light and guided me when I felt stuck or knocked off my center. She has done exactly that. I am in such continuous awe of this work that it inspired me to begin my own official journey toward becoming a trained Internal Family Systems therapist, too.
Learn more about what IFS Therapy is & how to find an IFS Therapist Near You.
How to Know if It's Time to Find a New Therapist
So, why am I sharing my own windy road with you? Because finding the right therapeutic relationship is rarely a straight line. Sometimes it takes a few tries to find the person who aligns with your needs at this specific moment in your life.
If you are currently in counseling and feeling like something is off, here is how you can discern if it might be time to pivot:
You feel the need to "perform" or be a good student: If your pleasing parts are saying what you think your therapist wants to hear, or you are leaving out details so your therapist sees you in a good light, then discern if you feel comfortable sharing this.
The work feels stagnant or purely conversational: If you are merely recapping the events of your week rather than accessing the deeper, underlying emotional experiences, then discern if this is due to the therapist not inviting you to go deeper or a part of yourself that is afraid to go deeper.
The therapist model feels incomplete: Like my experience with family systems therapy, if your current therapy helps you understand your problems intellectually but your body still feels anxious, heavy, or stuck, your system might be craving a deeper, parts-based or somatic approach.
If you recognize these signs, you don’t have to just abruptly drop out of therapy, as I did in my 20s. If it feels safe, talk to your therapist. See if they feel that stagnation, too. Ask if there is a different approach you can try together, or use that conversation to gently transition, pause, or seek a new fit.
Therapy is, at its core, a relationship. People come into our lives for seasons - sometimes to teach us how to speak up, sometimes to help us see ourselves clearly, and other times to hold the light while we heal wounds we didn't even know were there.
IFS Therapy Available in the Kansas City area
Hello, I’m Marci Payne, a Licensed Professional Counselor
If you are looking for an IFS therapist in the Kansas City area or for online counseling in Missouri or Kansas, I would be honored to connect and see if we are a good fit for this chapter of your journey.
I intentionally blend relationship counseling, somatic awareness, and IFS parts work to create a unique, deeply collaborative experience. Most importantly, I don’t try to fix your symptoms from the outside. Instead, I help you make sense of what is happening inside of you, empowering you to create a life and relationships that feel aligned with your values.
If you are looking for a collaborative healing space to process heavy emotions, navigate challenging relationship dynamics, or deeply heal from the past, I invite you to schedule a free initial phone call with me here.