6 Signs of Low Self-Worth In Relationships
In my 20s, I remember tying my self-worth to being in a relationship, except I was looking for love in all the wrong places. The more I looked for love outside myself, the more I didn’t find what I was looking for. And the more I didn’t receive love from outside of myself, the more critical I became of myself.
While it was a hard pattern to get out of, I did eventually recognize that my worth had always existed with me. And I am so grateful that I reclaimed my worth and healed this wound within me, so I didn’t pass it down to my daughter.
Do you relate to my journey? Whether you have looked for love in all the wrong places, or you feel like you aren’t enough unless you are in a partnership, I’m here to invite you to stop tying your self-worth to your relationship status.
I know this is easier said than done, so let’s start by building your awareness of how low self-worth can impact your relationship patterns. Then I’ll share some resources to help you take the next steps toward rebuilding your self-worth.
How Do You Define Self-Worth?
Before I share the signs that self-worth issues may be affecting your relationship choices, let’s define self-worth. I define self-worth as knowing your value and worth are innate, and not based on anything outside of you.
But in our achievement-focused culture and in most families, worth is usually determined by what you show, do, or prove to others. Some common definitions of self-worth in our culture are “Your value is based on what you do/how much money you make/your relationship status/others’ opinions of you.”
These culturally conditioned definitions of self-worth give away your power and worth to others. Without realizing it, as I did in my 20s, you start making choices based on trying to earn love or prove your worth in relationships. Tying our worth to things outside of us can lead to burnout, depression, and unhealthy relationship choices.
Ways Low Self-Worth Impacts Relationship Patterns
To help you build awareness of whether low self-worth is impacting your relationship choices, I've identified at least 6 ways it shows up in relationships. Which of the following signs do you most relate to?
Settling: You settle and give up what you really need in your relationships. For instance, you feel like you need to be in relationships with people who value growth as much as you do, but you stay in relationships with people who don’t value this as much.
Over-giving: You give more than you receive. And you may even give more in the hope of receiving more, but that doesn’t happen. In fact, you may even just receive more blame, defensiveness, and pressure.
Blocking Love: You aren't dating or reaching out to others because you feel like you are broken, flawed, or not attractive enough. Instead, you protect yourself from rejection, only to feel lonelier.
Over-explaining: When making a request or asking for what you need, you find yourself explaining why you need what you are asking for. Or you waste your energy trying to explain again and again why you need something other than what you are receiving.
Abandoning Yourself: You stay quiet, so you don't upset others. You question whether or not what you need matters or you don't consider what you need at all.
Absorbing Others' Expectations: You try meeting others' expectations but feel like you are striving for something you can never fully reach. But you don't dare question the messages you've received from others.
Reading these signs may spark something in you that you want to change or shift. So I offer this reassurance that the goal isn't to rid ourselves of all patterns, so we never have to feel fear or unworthiness again. The goal is to love ourselves enough to know when we are stuck in one of these patterns. And then loving ourselves enough to go for what we desire, including what support we need along the way.
How to Stop Basing Your Self-Worth on Your Relationship Status
When it comes to recognizing and standing in our own worthiness, the ultimate truth is we don't need others to validate our worth to know it exists. Because our worth and value already exist within. We just need to look for it in a different way.
The path to building your self-worth starts with intentionally raising your awareness on how low self-worth shows up for you and in what areas of your life. And by reading and reflecting on this article, you are already doing that!
Go Deeper: From Understanding to Integration
Self-worth isn’t just a mindset; it’s an internal relationship. If you’re ready to release old definitions of self-worth and build a stronger foundation for your worth, the Redefine Your Worth Guided Journal was made for you.
I’ve distilled a 4-step process for finding and building your self-worth into a 15-page, self-paced digital journey. Whether you use it alongside therapy or as a standalone personal growth tool, it is designed to help you reclaim your innate value from the comfort of your own home.
Begin your journey at The Well Within Journal Shop here.
Author: Marci Payne, MA, LPC, LCPC
Marci is an IFS therapist and Licensed Professional Counselor based in Lee’s Summit, MO, serving clients throughout Missouri and Kansas. With 25 years of experience, she specializes in helping people-pleasers, empaths, and survivors of emotional abuse reclaim their worth, confidence, and identity. (Learn more about how IFS therapy can heal self-worth.)