Find Freedom From your Inner Critic
Did you know that one of the ways we try to protect ourselves from hurt and pain is by criticizing ourselves?
I know it doesn't make sense to put ourselves down or be hard on ourselves if we are trying to protect ourselves. Because we actually create more hurt by doing so. And we even end up experiencing almost the same stress response as when someone else is criticizing us.
So why do we create more hurt in an attempt to prevent hurt? The truth is the inner critic’s voice means well, but deep down this part of you is scared. It's trying to prevent you from feeling or experiencing something you think you can't handle. And this part of you will say anything to get you to stop stretching, growing, and trying new things.
Get to Know Your Inner Critic
Before we explore how to help this critical part of you feel heard but not in charge, let's first explore all the ways it disguises itself. Self-critical parts can be overly negative or overly positive. For instance, if you have a rough day at work, this inner critic may tell you to blow it off and go shopping, because you deserve to feel good. Your critic isn't concerned about the long-term consequences of accumulating debt and solely wants to help you avoid feeling bad.
Not everyone has an overly positive inner critic though. Instead, your inner critic can fill you with doubt when you think about trying something new in your business, career, health, or relationship by telling you things like, "This will never work," "You are too fragile," and you "don't deserve good things."
I can go on and on about examples of inner critics, but think it's more important to ask you: So far, which of these inner critics do you relate to the most? And how do you typically respond to your critic (even if it's disguised as a soother or helper)?
Until you develop some awareness around what your inner critic looks like, what it says to you, and what it gets you to do or not do, you probably believe what it's saying to you! You may not even realize that the inner critic is lying to you.
And for those of you that recognize this is a part of you, but not defining all of you, you may have tried to silence or tune out this voice. But you feel like the inner critic is still there trying to get your attention, keeping your body tense and your mind racing.
Help Your Inner Critic Feel Heard but Not in Charge
Since your inner critic has good intentions but is trapped in fear and doubt, it needs help from the rest of you to feel safe. And when this critical voice feels safe enough, it can begin to let go of the role of protecting you.
What I'm about to suggest will seem very counter-intuitive, but the way to help this part of you feel safe is to develop a relationship with the inner critic. I know we are taught to avoid toxic people, including toxic voices in our minds. But avoidance doesn't make this part of you go silent or feel safe enough to let go of the reigns.
It needs to feel heard and it needs to hear from you. Yes, you are all the same person. But the more you visualize this inner critic as a part of you instead of defining you, the more this exercise will help.
So let's make this practical with 3 steps to helping your inner critic feel heard but not the only voice you listen to:
Slow Down & Notice: When you learn how your body feels when your inner critic is in charge, listen to these signals as a cue to slow down. Because when the inner critic is in charge, we can feel sped up, tense, or heavy. So stop what you are doing, slow down, and notice how you are feeling both physically and emotionally.
Listen to the Inner Critic: Then tuning into the part of your body that feels most tense, ask your inner critic if they have something to say to you. And listen to this part of you. But never leave yourself just sitting with the critical voice without tuning into the compassion and truth that also live inside of you.
Respond with the Truth: Lastly, you will practice responding without judgment. Slow down again, take some deep breaths, and ask your inner guide what it knows to be true. Don't try to force a response, just see what naturally comes to you when you ask this question. If nothing comes at first, that's ok. You can offer yourself some comfort and reassurance until your inner wisdom is ready to reveal itself.
Over time, as you repeat these steps, your inner critic will feel safe enough to let go of protecting you. And your inner guide will become the one you turn to more and more. It's not about perfection, it's about returning to the truth and compassion that is inside of you again and again.
Marci Payne, MA, LPC
Licensed Professional Counselor in Missouri
Marci specializes in helping adults find freedom and healing from people-pleasing perfectionism and toxic relationships. You can learn more about Individual Therapy for adults in Kansas City Missouri here.