When Your Spouse Wants a Divorce and You Don’t
“I want a divorce,” are four words that are among the worst you will ever hear. Whether these words are spoken repeatedly by your spouse after a fight, or this is the first time you’ve heard them utter these words, your heart drops into your stomach. And you immediately feel panic, anger, and hurt all at once.
You respond with such questions as, “where is this coming from?” or “how could you say such things?” You even begin to beg them to stay. But the more you plead your case, the more your spouse retreats. And then you withdraw too because thinking about losing your spouse hurts so bad. It’s not what you want, but you don’t know what to do to save your marriage. Or if it can be saved at all.
Despite your panic, you are holding onto hope that your spouse will change his or her mind. It’s normal to want to hold onto something that you cherish, but sometimes the more you hold on, the more desperate you feel. At the same time, you don’t want to avoid your spouse if you really want to have a chance to reconcile. This may be one of the hardest times you will face, and it can be even harder to bring out your best self. But that’s what it will take, both for your own coping and for the chance to have a future with your spouse.
Contemplating Divorce and Understanding Divorce Ambivalence
Before we talk about bringing your best self to your marriage crisis, let’s first explore “divorce ambivalence”. We assume that a marriage is over once someone enters the legal process of divorce, but many people consult a divorce attorney when they are considering their options. And then other married couples cancel their divorce after they’ve filed. Deciding to divorce is such a hard decision that having mixed feelings, or ambivalence, about getting divorced is more common than you think. In fact, divorce research has found that only “50-66% of people are certain they want a divorce, leaving one-third to half of the people that consult a family law attorney uncertain” (Doherty Relationship Institute, 2018).
In addition, many people think about divorce for a long time before they say something to their spouse. On the other hand, some feel so hopeless when they encounter an unresolved conflict that they repeatedly say, “they are done” during a marriage conflict. And then there are others that fantasize about divorce when they are feeling lonely and frustrated in their marriage, but they don’t actually pursue a divorce.
There are so many forms of divorce ambivalence that it can be hard to know if your spouse is really done or more frustrated at that moment. So if your spouse says he or she wants a divorce in the middle of a fight, then first let each of you calm down. Follow up by asking whether your spouse is 100% certain they want a divorce or less than 100% certain. This will give you an idea of whether future reconciliation is an option or not.
What to Do (and Not Do) When Your Spouse Wants a Divorce And You Don’t
Let’s explore how to open up the possibility for reconciliation if your spouse says they aren’t 100% sure they want a divorce.
- Don’t over-focus on trying to read your spouse: After asking once whether or not your spouse is 100% certain of their decision, try not to over-focus on ‘reading’ your spouse. It’s common to try to read your spouse’s behavior or mind so that you know where you stand. But this will literally drive you nuts because the only thing you know is what you think. Focus more on your part and your choices.
- Don’t pursue or withdraw: People deal with anxiety and stress differently. Some pursue, plead, beg, question, and try to pull out the response they are looking for so they can calm down. While others avoid what’s hard to try to calm down. While it’s natural to do either of these when you are worried about your marriage ending, find ways to manage your anxiety that don’t involve these postures.
- Make contact without pressure: Instead of pressing on your spouse to give your marriage another try, make contact without pressure. Resist the urge to talk about your relationship each time you talk to your spouse. And when you do talk about your relationship, let your spouse know what you are learning and what you want, while also allowing them time to get clear on what they want for the future of your marriage.
- Work on yourself more than your spouse: Find ways to soothe yourself that don’t depend on your spouse’s behavior. Some find comfort in spending time with friends and family while avoiding the temptation to get them on your side. Others find comfort in spiritual practices and/or working on personal goals. Think about what you’d like to do if you weren’t focusing all your energy on getting your spouse back, then take steps to start doing what you enjoy even if you don’t feel like it yet.
- Consider working with a counselor: Making sense of what happened to get your marriage to this point is the key to either your divorce recovery or your marriage reconciling. And identifying your part in the problem is what you will focus on in counseling more than trying to figure out your spouse.
You are trying to cope with a lot right now, and worrying about how you will get through this time. It’s ok to reach out and ask for help when the one person you’d usually lean on can’t be there for you right now. Let me know if you have any questions about finding a counselor near you.
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I’m Marci Payne, Licensed Professional Counselor in Missouri and Self-Love Coach for women. I help ambitious adults find freedom & healing from people-pleasing, perfectionism, and past hurt via individual therapy & self-love groups. If you are looking for help discerning what’s possible for the future of your marriage, then schedule a free 15-minute discovery call with me to determine if we would be a great fit to work together.
Marci Payne, MA, LPC says
Darlita, You sound like you could use some support right now and help to sort out what you want for the future in your marriage. Please consider seeking counseling so you can have a safe place to help you sort out what is possible and what isn’t possible when a spouse doesn’t take responsibility for their infidelity.
Darlita Sanders says
My husband and i been married for 20 years now, our marriage it’s been upside down for a long time with disagreements, arguing with stupid stuff, we both said that we stay married because of our daughter..but in my part i stay married with him because of our dsughter and ilove him i don’t want to lost him..yes i admit i have some issues and did some damaged of our marriage..but it start from him, he broke my trust from chatting with different woman..but when i approach him he told me I’m the reason why he did it because i am not treating him right and I’m not giving him love..after i find out that he’s chatting with another woman we talked and i decided to forgive him and forget it..but the arguing is still continue because i don’t do everything what he want me to do..i tried to understand my husband for so long what he meant by i dont love him…he said plenty of times about divorce but we manage to stay together for all this year and now he bring out the divorce again because i didn’t change.he said i am still the same that don’t show love and all i know is to control him and manipulate him..all i know is he’s the one who is very controlling, he want to control everything..the way i dress up, the money and even to be with my friends..all i do is to go to work cook clean and serve him..if ge allow me to go with my friend and i stay long hours then he gets mad at me..he make me feel so guilty that i love my friends more him..now he is ready to file for a divorce eventhough i got diagnosef with breast cancer..i asked him and beg him not to mention about divorce while I’m going through with my health but he don’t care..i pour out my heart to him and i admit everything I’ve done to him in this marriage, i asked his forgiveness and i promise to change..and i told him i don’t want divorce and i don’t want to lost him..i asked him to give me another chance eventhough I’m hurting from showing me no interest anymore..he told me that i killed his live for me for a long time and that’s so painful to me to hear..i told him I’m the one who killed the love i will be the one who will bring it back to life and i do whatever it takes, but he already made up his mind he doesn’t want to stay married with me anymore..especially now our daughter is 18 yrs old..i am going through with my cancer and at the same time thingking about divorce..what should i do? I have in so much anxiety right now and i don’t know what to do anymore..i don’t want to list him eventhough i know until now that he’s chatting with another woman..he keep on telling me that he’s not doing anything wrong, its not what i think he only giving advice a d ministering them with their problem…but why he don’t do it infront of me? And when his phone ring he don’t answer when I’m around..and he vring his phone even in the bathroom..but even I’m hurting I’m still willing to change and willing to work it out..am i stupid to stay with him eventhough he’s not showing me no interest or showing his love anymore? I suppose to be the one divorcing him from having sex outside marriage and i know the person but i still did not leave him until this moment…he can not admit to me but i know he did it..but i forgive him for that..but why he can’t give me another chance? Ok i hurt him from verbal abuse just because that’s only my weapon..i hurt him with my mouth and I’m not saying that is right for me to do..i admit to him that i was wrong..also he put hands on me for few times and still i didn’t leave him..i really don’t know what to do anymore..please i need some advice thank u
April says
I hear you 21 years and 4 kids and he is turning to other women and moved out like we are nothing !
Marci Payne, MA, LPC says
Amy, I hear the pain you are going through with your husband’s departure. May you hold yourself tenderly and grow in compassion for yourself. I also hear you deciding you are worth receiving support during this time even if others don’t agree. You are worth it!
A. E says
My husband left the family home 1week before christmas just as we were about to complete on our dream house.
I have been struggling with depression for several years, i didnt get help as my husband doesn’t believe in mental health.
I had been receiving help for 6 weeks before he left and had made alot of progress in that small time. He admits that but says he loves me but because of how the depression made me he is not in love with me.
He has flip flopped for weeks on trying to repair our marriage or get divorced.
He has now decided, with out trying or spending time with me he wants a divorce.
He cant move past my depression as he doesnt believe it.
Vanessa Alonzo says
My husband wants a divorce. He said that he is not wanting to worry about what im doing and doesnt want to deal with me. He wants ro focus on himself and get back on his feet. He holds grudges from the past years.
I moved back in with my parents back in my hometown. He lives in another town about 7 hours away, with my teen kids. Im so sad about the situation. Is it even possible to get him back after he gets over his anger? And im here , holding onto us? Im so tired of hurting over something i cant control right now. I miss him so much!!!
Marci Payne, MA, LPC says
Deciding to let go of your marriage is such a big decision and I can tell you want to be sure of your decision. It can be so valuable to have someone who is neutral to reflect for you what they hear and help you sort out your decision. There are therapists trained in what’s called discernment counseling. If you are interested in finding one near you, here is a link to find one by state (and internationally): https://therapists.moderncommitment.com/find-a-discernment-counselor/
May you receive the clarity and peace you desire in this difficult time.
L says
My husband says he 100% wants a divorce, but that he’s open to changing his stance if something mind-blowing happens to change his mind, or by some miracle things change between us —basically if I change. The thing is, he’s the addict and the one that’s betrayed my trust. He basically doesn’t like how I deal with that, and I own my part in that. I’m feeling very manipulated, and I’m left trying to decide if I am supposed to try to save the marriage on my own or if I’m crazy to even want to save it. I really don’t want to divorce, for the kids, and because we really do get along and I think it’s just a matter of learning what the problems are and how to make it work, but it would take a lot of work to repair the damage that’s been done. I confess, I wouldn’t want to stay married to him the way is or has been, and I know that’s not something I can control or expect, and at the moment I can’t even hope for because he’s refusing to try saying he doesn’t believe it’s possible. Am I crazy to want to stay married? AhI delusional and in denial? Do I just need to give it up, base my choices on how things are and how they’ve been rather than waiting around for things to change, and make a decision to let go?
Marci Payne, MA, LPC says
Nanci, Thank you for sharing your struggle and excitement. It’s understandable that you would be experiencing many feelings at once. Be gentle with yourself as a marriage ending can be quite a catalyst to start elevating your personal growth journey. May you find what needs tending to during this challenging season!
Nanci says
He’s leaving me with a ranch, our 3 teens, my aging parents and a 2700/month mortgage. I’m overwhelmed thinking about it. But, at the same time, he’s been physically and emotionally abusive the past 20 years. I’m wavering between extreme feelings of wanting him to stay and then celebrating that he’s going, which is very confusing to me. I appreciate your article and the suggestion of focusing on myself and figuring out how I can grow from this. Looking forward to new beginnings in 2021!
Marci Payne, MA, LPC says
Helen, I hear the pain in the loss you are experiencing in your marriage. It can be very hard to make sense of others actions. Focus on what you need during this time.
Helen melon says
He out sourced to another woman, so basically I’m the side chick now. So I have tried all I can. Just can’t see what goes through men’s minds, when they have a family. And want to throw it away like 11 years means nothing. My children will hate him, because he always prided himself as their father. Now he is trading them in for a 27 year old with two kids. I mean what the hell?
Tammy Viesto says
I tried all that was said… he had influence pushing him to divorce!!!