Emotional Abuse: Know the Signs & Begin to Heal

Emotional abuse can be hard to detect if you don’t know what you are looking for. And if it’s been going on for a long time, then you may stop seeing it as a problem. Maybe you even feel like if you tried harder, then they would treat you better. 

While I can tell you that emotional abuse is never your fault, I know this takes time to come to terms and heal from. So I’m here to help you recognize the signs and effects of emotional abuse, so you can begin to take your power and worth back. 

What is Emotional Abuse?

Emotional abuse is a pattern of non-physical behaviors that are meant to scare, control, or isolate you. These actions or words can be obvious like calling you names. Or the emotional abuse can be more subtle, like asking if you are going to wear that outfit to work.

Emotional abuse can occur in any relationship, including parent-child and intimate partnerships. People of any gender or age can experience or be abusive. 

While you won’t see physical scars, the effects of emotional abuse are real and serious. Often emotional abuse escalates to other forms of abuse from financial to physical.

Signs of Emotional Abuse

So how do you know if you’re in an emotionally abusive relationship? Here are some signs your partner’s behavior is emotionally abusive:

• Calls you names

• Puts you down or attacks your character

• Lectures you and points out all the ways you fail

• Critical of your appearance or tells you what to wear

• Jealous or critical of the time you spend with friends and family

• Uses silent treatment as punishment to withhold affection

• Tells you what to do and tries to control you

• Monitors your whereabouts and your digital use

• Threatens you to get what they want from you

• Embarrasses you in public or social gatherings

• Constantly accuses you of infidelity

• Blames you for their abusive or unhealthy behavior

• Takes responsibility or ownership for your success

• Insists you quit your job or other activities

• Showers you with gifts & affection that later use to control you

• Denies events that happened and tries to get you to doubt yourself

• Minimizes abuse and shifts blame to calling you the “gaslighter or abuser”

Do any of these patterns of behavior feel like what you are experiencing in your relationship? If yes, know that anyone living or working in a relationship where they experience any or most of the behaviors would feel the effects of emotional abuse. You haven’t done anything to deserve this behavior. 

Effects of Emotional Abuse

Most likely the person who is being emotionally abusive is projecting their own insecurity or internal battles onto you. In this way, emotional abuse is designed to make you feel bad about yourself so you are more dependent on your partner. Over time, you start to internalize their projections.

For example, if your partner has unrealistic expectations and feels like “nothing is ever good enough for them,” then they may project this onto you. They may criticize and put you down. And over time, you start to internalize and feel like you aren’t worthy of love and respect. So you end up pursuing them for affection and love, yet feeling worse about yourself.

Anyone can get stuck in this cycle and not see it coming. To help you further reflect on whether or not you are being impacted by emotional abuse, here are the possible effects:

•  Feel bad about yourself after every argument

• Doubt and question yourself and your experience

• Feel like you or what you do isn’t good enough

• Blame yourself for others’ unhealthy & abusive behavior

• Try to fix, soothe, or pursue your partner

• Always willing to change yourself, while your partner refuses to change

• Turn to substances or devices in an attempt to not feel the effects

• Stop seeing that you deserve love and respect, even if you make mistakes

• Dread talking to or your partner coming home from work

• Avoid certain topics or go along with your partner to keep the peace

• Become more isolated from those you care about 

• Experience anxiety, depression, and hopelessness

How are you doing? This is a lot to reflect on and process. If you feel emotionally overwhelmed as you learn you are in an emotionally abusive relationship, please talk to a trusted friend, family member, and/or mental health professional. Don’t try to navigate this alone.

If you are trying to determine what your next step needs to be, then keep reading for more information on how to deal with emotional abuse.

How to Discern if Your Partner Will Change

If you are wondering if your partner will be able to change their emotionally abusive behavior, that’s a good sign that you are starting to see you don’t deserve to be treated like this! And you don’t.

To change their abusive behavior and patterns, they will need to fully own their behavior and completely commit to changing. That means taking responsibility for their emotions, behavior, and the harm it’s caused you. In my experience, this is a long journey and a low percentage of people invest in this kind of change. (Read what behaviors to look for to discern if your partner is truly changing their abusive behaviors.)

If you feel physically safe in your relationship, you can ask them if they are willing to work on their behavior. But you will need to be firm in your boundaries (ex: “I can’t be in a relationship with someone that (specific abusive behavior.”). Be prepared to follow through on your boundary and end the relationship, if they don’t fully own their behavior and make the changes needed. Otherwise, the pattern of emotional abuse will continue.

How to Deal with Emotional Abuse

If you aren’t ready to end the abusive relationship, know you won’t be able to fully heal yourself until you feel emotionally safe in your environment. But you can start to take your self-worth back! Here are some steps you can take:

1. Don’t beg your partner to change. (They will either fully own the work they need to do with actions or they will stay the same.)

2. Get clear on what you no longer want to tolerate in your relationship.

3. Identify what actions you can take to have your own back.

4. Strengthen your boundaries. (Get the Healthy Boundaries kit here.)

5. Start working with a therapist or mental health professional who specializes in challenging relationships. (Couples counseling is not recommended when abuse exists in the relationship.)

6. Create a safety plan. (Learn more about safety planning, if you need to leave the relationship or situation quickly.)

7. Call 911 (if you are in immediate danger).

If you start asking if your partner is willing to work on their behavior, and you are met with threats and/or physical violence, get to a safe place where you can begin to heal.

Additional resources to help you navigate abusive relationships and get to a safe place:

1. National Domestic Violence Hotline: Call 1-800-799-7233 or Text “Start” to 88788 (a free, confidential 24/7 hotline that can connect you to shelters and providers throughout the United States)

1. Domestic Shelters: Search for domestic violence shelters in your area

2. Love is Respect: Educational information and hotline for teens and young adults

It can be hard to admit your relationship, situation, or partner is emotionally abusive. Know you don’t need to navigate this alone, support is available. May you trust yourself enough to do what’s best for you and receive the support that’s just right for you.

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Marci Payne, MA, LPC

Licensed Professional Counselor, Kansas City, Missouri

Learn more about working with Marci in individual therapy here. She specializes in helping adults navigate and heal from emotionally abusive relationships.